prayer – Page 4 – A Million God Stories

#91 God Shaped Hole

June 6, 2020March 29, 2017 by pamamilliongodstoriescom

Photo by Erin E Photography

I met my ex-husband right out of high school. At the time, I believed in Jesus and that He died for our sins, but it was more of an “as-needed” thing. God was in a closet and I brought Him out when I needed Him. My ex-husband was into drugs and alcohol when I met him and I became consumed in that lifestyle with him. He made it clear that he had no faith, and to win his affection I made the decision to agree with him in that. I definitely felt it was important to be a good person and respect other people’s beliefs, but my attitude toward God was, “That works for some people but I don’t need that.”

I lived with him for about a year before I got pregnant. I knew that from the beginning he had an issue with not being able to be faithful to me. This had been a big problem for me, and when I found out I was pregnant I said, “If you are going to continue to live this way, I can’t do this. Are you willing to do this with me and only me? If not, this needs to end now.”

He decided to stick together and even though he had broken my trust over and over in the past two years, I gave him a chance. We got married when our son was two years old. About six months later, I was sitting alone at a park watching my son play and a couple came over and asked me if they could pray for me. I wanted to respect them and even though it felt really awkward, I let them pray for me. They asked if they could pray for anything specific. I said “No,” so they just prayed a general prayer over me.

A week or two later, a few of my friends from a previous workplace wanted to get together at a coffee house. I was running late and rushed in really stressed. As I was walking in the door, I saw a girl I graduated high school with and she was on the phone. She grabbed my arm, smiled and said, “Hi! How are you? My pastor is on the phone. Can he pray for you?” I thought, “He better make this fast because I am late!” I took the phone and her pastor prayed that God would show up in my life. That was it.

I got my coffee and sat down with my friends. They were all quiet. Finally, one of them said they had found out from a reliable source that my husband was having an affair. In that moment, I felt an unexplainable peace, like God was wrapping me up in a hug. While I was still sitting there, we called the girl and she admitted to the affair. It was a pleasant but somber conversation. Again, I had a supernatural peace.

I was encouraged by my family to work it out with my husband and decided to try. We stayed together for another four to five months after I found out about the affair, but I kept finding messages, emails, and porn. I felt like he wasn’t going to be able to stop. I had also dealt with some abuse. I had never felt as lonely in my entire life.

We divorced when our son was three. After this I felt like God really pursued me. My thoughts started changing. Out of the blue, I had a desire to take my son to church. I had been against that the whole time I was married. It was a miracle that I felt the desire to go to church. After going to church every Sunday for a full year, I gave my life to Christ.

During this time, God used the sermons to speak to me in powerful ways. One Sunday, the pastor said that there is a God-shaped hole in our hearts. We can try and fill it with whatever, but God is the only One that can fill that empty space. Unless He fills it, we will be constantly searching and unfulfilled. That really connected with me because that is what I had been trying to do—fill the hole with drugs, alcohol, and men.

In another sermon, the pastor talked about the fact that people will always disappoint us but God never will. God did not create the world to be the way that it is. I was a completely broken person when I heard this message, 23 years old, divorced, with a four-year-old. I had started dating someone and our relationship was not honoring God. I was stressed financially and emotionally. My whole life had been a series of disappointments from people that I loved and trusted.

After hearing that sermon, I completely surrendered to the Lord. I finally said to God, “I can’t make decisions in my life without You.” I was ready for God to take over. I was ready to be obedient. I call this the day I was truly saved. My relationship with God really started that day. Looking back, I can see how God brought me to that place. He was with me the whole time and was so patient to wait for me to give up my pride. When I was ready, He welcomed me with open arms. He redeemed me.

I felt God leading me away from the man I was dating. I wanted a God-honoring relationship, so I walked away.

That was in June of 2013. In the fall of that year, I started a BSF Bible study with some women on the Gospel of Matthew. I immersed myself in the Gospel and was completely changed by Jesus. As I got to know Jesus better, I realized that if I ever remarried, my husband would have to be sold out for Christ.

Friends had fixed me up with a man right after my divorce—before my life changed. He knew right away I was not right for him. He was a man of great character, a Christian who was committed to living a God-honoring life. And at the time we first met, I was a “train wreck.” We became Facebook friends after we first met, and over the next few months he noticed that I was changing because of what I was posting on Facebook. We decided to meet for coffee. His love for Jesus was so evident. He told me, “I’m not looking for someone to fulfill me. I’m looking for someone to partner with me in serving Jesus.” He shared that he had gotten a divorce because his wife had an affair. It had been a devastating experience for him. I could relate to him—we both knew what it felt like to be betrayed.

We are now married and I see the difference between a marriage with Christ and a marriage without Christ. God has revealed to me what He created marriage to look like—the emotional connection, the intimacy, and supporting and serving each other while partnering to serve others.

But it hasn’t all been easy. We struggled to get pregnant, and our first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage. A few months later I became pregnant again and the Lord gave that baby an extra chromosome. We struggled through the pregnancy, and still do to some extent, to accept that our child will face unimaginable circumstances at times. BUT—God has given me freedom from circumstances in that I have peace in the midst of uncertainty. It is a joy to go through life’s challenges with Jesus and a husband who is so supporting. God provided a strong, compassionate, prayerful husband who trusts with me that God is sovereign, God is in control, and He knows what He is doing. God is so big but He is also in every tiny detail. He sees the whole world but walks intimately with his kids every step of the way. God doesn’t abandon us when we struggle to believe. He is rock solid—forever unchanging. He is redeeming every broken detail of my past. He is in the business of forgiveness and is patiently loving me in my successes and failures every day.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#89 That is True Love

June 6, 2020March 21, 2017 by pamamilliongodstoriescom

Photo by Lucas Wiman

One day back in November I was in a pretty sour mood for most of the day. I was having bitter feelings toward a person who really had done me no wrong. These feelings kept attacking me throughout the day because I felt hurt by the person.

I was feeling miserable by the time my campus ministry meeting started that night. The message spoke to my heart because it talked about how desperately we needed God to perform surgery on our hearts to free us from our sinful nature and habits. I went back to my dorm and felt drawn to my knees. I started to pray, “Father, show me what true forgiveness looks like.” He cut me off halfway through the word “forgiveness” and put an image in my head of Jesus on the cross. He was beaten and had blood pouring down from him. He was bruised and in great agony yet He called out, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” God told me, “This is true forgiveness.”

Then the vision in my head went back to just before Jesus was crucified. I was on the platform with Jesus; one of us was about to be set free, the other was going to the cross. I knew my sin and that I was deserving of the punishment, but in my selfishness I thought to myself, “I hope that they send Jesus to the cross, because if Jesus goes to the cross then I can be free.” Jesus looked over at me and says, “That is why I came; go and sin no more.” God said to me, “That is true love.”

With that vision I was finally able to really grasp Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. He taught me love and forgiveness in a very powerful way that left me in awe. How awesome our God is!

#88 Never Alone

June 6, 2020March 14, 2017 by pamamilliongodstoriescom

Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

I was a military wife whose husband was deployed to Iraq. As anyone who has ever had a spouse deployed knows, this can be a very lonely and stressful time. All of the parenting is on your shoulders. I do know that without my walk with the Lord I could not have held up and been as supportive as I was.

But one day my whole world was rocked. It is a day I will never forget—the day my child contemplated taking his own life. My son had fallen hard for a girl in his 10th grade class. But unfortunately, as time passed, she decided to end their relationship as it was; however, my son was not ready for this reality. I could tell he was in a depression and I sought help for him.

Counseling helped, but he was still “in love.” One morning he refused to go to school, and after an argument, I finally got him on the bus. I went to his room—not something I ever did before—but I was compelled to go in there for some reason. That is when I found the note that said he could not go on without her.

Of course I fell to my knees and asked God what I could do to help this hurting boy. I called his counselors at school and let them know of my concerns and they watched over him for me that day.

I was home when he walked in the door. He was furious with me and locked himself in his room. I pleaded with him to let me in. I did the only thing I could. I fell to my knees and prayed like I have never prayed before. I didn’t know what to do, but I prayed.

I went to his room knowing it would be locked, but fortunately it was unlocked. Please, Lord, show me what to do. A clear voice said, “Be still.”

I found him lying on the floor staring at the ceiling. What do I say, Lord?

“Nothing,” said a voice, “just lie down.”

So I laid on the floor beside him, not touching but close enough to feel him. We laid on the floor for what seemed like hours; I truly lost all sense of time. I remember stretching my little finger out and touching his hand. He grabbed my hand and said through tears, “Mom, my heart is breaking!” We hugged, we prayed, and we talked. I was emotionally drained from a very long battle with the devil for my son.

As I was going to the kitchen to cook a meal with my son, I stopped to get on my knees once more to say, “Thank You!!” We weren’t out of the woods yet. He still needed more therapy, but at least I still had him. I know that no matter what difficulties lay ahead, I am never alone.

#87 Send Someone

June 6, 2020March 9, 2017 by pamamilliongodstoriescom

Photo by Renee Toole

I think there’s something to be said about the Creator of the universe and the Savior of the world being concerned enough and humble enough to be involved in the affairs of our little daily lives. You see, this is what makes our God different than other gods. Our God doesn’t sit up in the sky, listen to us calling out to Him, and turn away from us. He’s the God of heaven and yet He cares about answering our sometimes minuscule requests just so He can show us that He is who He says He is. Our God cares enough about His kids to show up for us in the little things.

I was in a coffee shop a few months ago sitting by myself and journaling some prayers. I was simply asking God to send me some people that I could pray for or share the gospel with. I kept writing for a good while until I looked up to see two people standing in the doorway of the room I was in, looking for a seat. All the seats in the shop were taken except for the ones at my table, so they were stuck with me. I welcomed them and went back to writing. They had important things to talk about and I had prayers to write, right?

As I kept writing and praying, it dawned on me…I had just prayed for God to bring people for me to pray for and a few minutes later two guys waltz right in my room. My heart started beating fast and my hands got clammy, because I realized that these were THE people and God wasn’t going to let me leave until I did what He was asking me to do.

I kept praying and praying for an opportunity to talk to them as they went on and on about past wars and potential jobs. While I was praying and waiting for a pause in their conversation, God was stooping low to give me the words to say to the young man He wanted me to speak to. He was letting me in on things about this guy and giving me specifics…things I would have no way of knowing on my own.

The friend of the young man went to the restroom and I knew this was my shot. I began a conversation, asking questions that aren’t normal conversation starters, because God had already told me things about him. I asked to pray for him and he agreed somewhat hesitantly, but assured me that nothing was wrong with him and he was perfectly happy with his life. I think he must have thought that something has to be wrong with you for you to pray to God.

Well, God was so good and showed up for me during that prayer. My heart was beating out of my chest the whole time I was praying because God was asking me to be really bold with my words. I was clueless as to what I should say—but lucky for me, God wasn’t clueless and He spoke through me and provided words when I felt speechless. I looked up at the end of the prayer and I could tell that he was baffled as to how I knew the things I did without knowing him. His friend had come back in the middle of the prayer and was equally confused. They began asking questions and trying to figure out what my “agenda” was or if I was going to school to be a preacher, which I thought was hilarious. That’s when I got to explain the gospel and our call as Christians to simply love people and tell them about Jesus wherever we go. I could tell that they were curious. Their faces revealed that they had never heard of the things I was telling them about. My parking meter ran out, so I left, trusting that God would take care of the rest and send someone else to water the seed that He had allowed me to plant.

A month and a half later I’m in the same coffee shop. I’m alone and there are no other seats in the place. The SAME guy walks in and looks around for a seat. He’s stuck again. He looks at me and says, “You’re the girl! I remember you!” and takes a seat at my table once again. He brings up the prayer and conversation from last time and obviously wants to talk about it. He begins asking questions about what it means to be a Christ follower, what sin is, and if he can still go to heaven even if he “sins or whatever.” My heart was ready to bust from happiness because God’s grace is just so simple. After answering several questions, I mentioned that he must come here all the time, since we ran into each other again. He replied, “The only two times I’ve ever been here is when I’ve run into you.”

I think God does these things to remind us that He’s all around us even when we are just going through our everyday lives. He wants our everyday lives to be an offering to Him, but He doesn’t leave us to do that on our own. He joins us and offers us His hand every day if we will take it, and leads us on daily adventures for His glory. We don’t have to live mundane lives. We can make our days extraordinary if we accept God’s invitation and allow Him to intervene. I think He’s making Himself known to us in little ways all the time, so that we have enough confidence in His “realness” to share that about Him with others.

#85 When We Become Dependent On God, Our Real Adventure Begins

September 13, 2020February 25, 2017 by pamamilliongodstoriescom

Photo by Renee Toole

I grew up in Chile attending a church started by US missionaries where I was baptized. One of my main connections with Jesus at an early age was to experience Him as a restorer through the prayer of my mother. When I was five years old, an older kid tricked me to do sexual activities without mentioning it to my parents. I didn’t know what I was doing, but after a while when I was nine years old I began to have nightmares about it. I felt much shame and pain. I remember feeling the voice of the enemy whispering that this episode defined who I was.

My mother took me to psychiatrists, but none could help. She gave up on the doctors and began praying out loud for me every night, and speaking the truth about who I was and how God felt about me. God worked through my mom’s prayers and I was restored and healed completely. I learned that experiences don’t define us—only God does.

In the midst of this crisis, the US missionaries left Chile and my parents got divorced. God became sidelined in my life and tennis became my main priority. At 18 I set in my heart that I was to become a professional tennis player, but just as I was about to begin traveling, I received a full scholarship to play tennis at a US college. I didn’t want to go but my parents wanted me to go, so I went. I didn’t know anyone and was very lonely. I joined a fraternity to be accepted and have friends. But after much drinking and partying, I was ready for a change in my life. I didn’t speak the language well and this made it hard to go to church. However, even though I didn’t go to church, I remember praying, “God, help me to change the world with You.”

During my sophomore year, another Chilean student came to the same small college I was attending. He was from my hometown but I didn’t know him. I felt like I needed to be his friend. There was something different about him that I wanted. I took him to parties and tried to get him into my world but I knew he was uncomfortable. So we stopped the parties and just hung out. He always talked to me about God and this was in my own language, which really helped me. He told me about miracles and encountering God. This challenged me because I had never heard about this. His faith was more of a relationship than a religion.

One morning at 3 a.m. we were studying for a Chemistry test and he asked me, “Is Jesus the center of your life?” When I heard this I was convicted of my lifestyle. I could not lie. I asked him, “Does God want to be the center of my life? Is this possible?” He said, “Yes, it is the only way.” So I turned completely to God that night. I felt God inviting me to a great adventure. I felt God’s love, God’s power.

I became a new person and little by little started to make radical changes in my life. I knew God was calling me to something greater. I started to read the Bible like crazy and tell everybody about how amazing Jesus was. I began worshiping by playing guitar and singing (as I had done as a kid). I remember riding a skateboard and praying, “I want to change the nations with You, Lord.” The Lord spoke back and said, “Why don’t you begin with that homeless man in the street?” He narrowed down my view from the world to the right here, right now. “What are you going to do about that man who is right in front of you?”

That summer instead of going home, I went to live in a homeless shelter. After two weeks, I was burned out and regretted coming. Their problems were bigger than my faith. I had been preaching the gospel but it wasn’t working and no one had been saved. I was operating on my own efforts, wanting to be the Christian superhero, but the Lord invited me to the real journey. The journey was about Him. I heard Him say the John 15:5 verse, “Apart from me you can do nothing.” Two days later a friend texted me that same verse. I stopped what I had been doing at the shelter and instead got up early every morning to abide in God and get to know Him. I prayed, sang, and fasted. I was filled with joy but no one knew why I was so happy. After a week, a homeless man asked me, “What are you doing in the morning?” Then the homeless men asked me to come outside and play for them what I was doing in the morning. So I worshipped outside with them. The first time I worshipped outside with them, God came and encountered all of us. Most every day we did this, and as we worshipped, many would repent and surrender to Jesus. There was deliverance from addictions, forgiveness, reconciliation, and love for one another. We became a family because God’s presence was there.

We must make God the center of our lives. When we do, we will experience God’s love and presence more deeply and find the place we really belong, a place of intimacy with our Father. When we become dependent on God and surrender, God’s power is unleashed in amazing ways, and our real life adventure begins.

#75 The Check Came Early

June 6, 2020February 1, 2017 by pamamilliongodstoriescom

Photo by Joy Monét Photography

In June of 2012, I needed to pay the bill for my son’s surgery, and we also had a leak in our basement that was quite costly. I didn’t have enough to pay my regular monthly bills with the extra costs of the surgery and fixing the leak. I considered getting a part-time job, but just didn’t see how I could manage, since I already had a full-time job. I maintained faithfulness in tithing 10 percent of my income and trusted that God would provide.

By the middle of the month, I really needed to pay my bills. I prayed the night of June 17th that God would help our family financially, and again before work the morning of June 18th. When I got to work that morning, there was a check in my mailbox for some extra work I did in May. This was work that I had done every May for several years, and the paycheck for this work usually didn’t come until July—AND this check was for more than I had expected! I am so grateful to God for His faithfulness!

#74 More Peaceful Than I Could Ever Imagine

June 6, 2020January 30, 2017 by pamamilliongodstoriescom

Photo by Joy Monét Photography

God was patient. I actually attended a great church and youth group growing up, but although I “believed” in God, I didn’t know Him. In my mind, He was the distant guy in heaven who was surely disgusted and furious with me for the way I was living. Boys, drinking, marijuana, and eventually partying in bars and clubs five nights a week was the life for me. Surely so much fun would make me happy, right?

After a disastrous (and dangerous) engagement to an alcoholic when I was twenty, a devastating miscarriage when I was twenty-three, and a general feeling of “Is this all there is?”—at the age of twenty-five I was ready. I had begun listening to Pastors Chip Ingram and Michael Youssef on the radio on my way to work (my car didn’t have a CD player and this was before the days of Pandora). I loved the stories they told and the fact that God actually seemed to answer their prayers, make them happy, and give them purpose in life. I wanted that, and seeing the joy and peace God was offering me, allowed me the freedom to let go of the garbage I had been holding onto in an effort to maintain my “happiness.”

“Take it, God.”

It wasn’t easy. I’m not one of those people who had a sudden conversion and all of a sudden walked around singing, “This Is the Air I Breathe” with a huge smile on my face. I struggled. I still had a boyfriend who was SO not a Christian, and I smoked Newports like they were going out of style. I did quit smoking weed and sleeping with the unhappy boyfriend, but I wasn’t quite sure how to change in my current situation.

My best friend from third grade, Julie, had been praying for me for a long time. When she heard of my decision, and my desire to start fresh, she said hesitantly, “Chris and I had actually talked and prayed about you coming to live with us here in Richmond, but weren’t sure if you’d be open to the idea!” I was open. It was a tough decision because I knew exactly one person in Richmond, which was a two-hour move south from my home in Northern Virginia.

As I was lying in bed one night before I committed to go, drifting off, I heard a voice. I don’t know if anyone else could have heard it, but it was definitely not a dream.

God (and yes, His voice is deep and booming): “Go to Richmond.”

Me: “What?” (Only I would make God repeat himself.)

God: “Go to Richmond.”

Me: “Okay.”

That certainly made my decision easier. I packed up a month later, moved down, and began my journey of getting to know Jesus. I have never—not once—regretted it. Since then I have been a part of a couple of amazing churches, made the best friends a woman could ask for, seen God answer prayer in mind-blowing ways, been to Haiti on mission, and become happier and more peaceful than I could ever have imagined.

I still struggle. I’m not perfect by any means, but God’s grace is truly enough and He leads me back into truth each time I forget. I have hope, I have joy, and I know my future is bright because God will be right there with me no matter what.

#70. Angel In The Pasture

June 6, 2020January 20, 2017 by pamamilliongodstoriescom

Photo by Laura Wilkerson Photography

I am a mother, wife, and dental hygienist in Alabama. My husband Mark and I and our two children Hannah (18) and Landon (12) live in rural North Alabama on Mark’s family’s farm. He has always owned cattle, and loves the hobby.

In 2006, I worked for a dentist who used to be a veterinarian. He had several horses and we seemed to have a connection immediately. I told him I always wanted a horse but my husband was against it because he thought it would “chase his cows.” I came to work one day and Doc pulled me aside and said, “Debbie, this has been on my mind for a few days now. I know you said your husband said no horses, but I feel like I have the horse for you. So you and Mark come over and look at her; if she doesn’t work out with your cows, you can bring her back.” I said, “Great! I’ll talk to him.” Doc had a nickname for me—he always called me “Sweet Angel.” I went home and Mark agreed to look at the horse. Doc mainly had Haflinger horses and a few quarter horses and then the horse he had in mind for me. My husband agreed that we would take the horse! I asked Doc her name and he was not sure. So he went to ask his wife who wrote it on a Post-it. When he got back in the truck with us he said, “Guess what her name is?” He handed me the Post-it, with the name Angel!! He said, “See, I told you she was meant for you!”

In April of 2007, I went to the pasture where I met up with Mark, Hannah, and Landon. When I got to them, my husband asked me to check on #34 (a heifer) who had calved that morning. I took Landon with me on the four-wheeler, and went down to the pine thicket, where the cow and calf were. When I was about a half-acre away from the cow, I turned off the four-wheeler and walked a step or two to see if the calf was nursing on the heifer. All was well! I turned to look at my son—and felt the ground shake! I turned around and mama cow was running full speed, head down, and I had nowhere to go! If I moved, she would jump on my son, so I was “quickened” to let her hit me in the back! She threw me around seven to eight times, as I desperately prayed for God’s help. “God, I need you! Please keep my kids safe; let someone hear me!”

Finally, my husband got to me, and said, “Debbie, please get up, she coming back!” I couldn’t feel anything below my head, and had already accepted that I was going to die. But I didn’t want another woman raising my children! Then Mark said, “The cow has Landon!” I immediately got up and ran over to a tree, and Mark was at a tree about six feet to my right. Our daughter Hannah was told to stay in the barn lot and pray.

In front of us we saw Landon’s motionless body lying on the ground, and the cow was jumping over him like she was on a trampoline! With every jump, I just knew she was going to stomp him. We were praying for a miracle. Mark ran in and got him out from under her 1,100-pound body and we saw he was alive! But, it wasn’t over, as now the cow was after them! I prayed even harder!

Just then, out of nowhere, my horse jumped the fence and ran like she was coming out of the heavens, and turned around and bucked that cow in the head several times as it chased her! We were able to get to the other four-wheeler and get to the hospital for help Landon had stitches on his ear and bruising. I had several broken ribs and about eight vertebrae fractures and a football-sized hematoma. It took about two years for me to get better. There are many more details to this story, but one thing I DON’T want to forget—my horse’s name is Angel. And she truly is! I saw God in her that day.

I have always “known” who God was. In fact, I don’t remember ever doubting that He was real. As I grew to an adult, I started diving into His word more and more, to learn who He really was and what my relationship with Him was. I prayed my family would always keep Him number one in everything and strengthen our faith. This miracle that happened to us was a great blessing! It taught our family that God is never late, His timing is perfect, and that we can always trust Him because His ways are not our ways. If we seek Him, He will carry us through.

I’ve always heard all my life how stubborn I am; I thank God He made me with passion and drive. I could have chosen to let this destroy me and my family by becoming bitter from three years of surgeries, severe pain, and depression. But I didn’t! I was determined to get better. He held me, and I cannot let Him go! It will be 10 years in April, and my faith is stronger than ever. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m sure not where I used to be!

#68 Breaking Chains Of Generational Dysfunction

June 6, 2020January 16, 2017 by pamamilliongodstoriescom

Photo by Ashely Brown, Shining Light Photography

When you’re little, you’re usually oblivious to all the things that have happened around you or within your family. You don’t understand why some family members don’t come around on holidays anymore or why family fallouts happen.

Growing up, I felt like I was the mediator for my entire family. I saw the brokenness that was passed down from generation to generation, along with the drug use, anxiety, psychological disorders, OCD, verbal abuse, depression, and mental illnesses that flooded my family tree. Suicide completion and attempts made its way into my family on multiple occasions. I loved my family so much and enjoyed holidays spent together. I hated to see so much selfish conflict separate a powerhouse genealogy such as mine, when I had faith in each of their potential.

After many years of watching hate and true dysfunction divide my family into bitterness, I decided I no longer wanted this awful family curse to have an effect on my life or have the possibility of being passed down to my kids. When you make a bold decision to follow Christ and be the chain-breaker, the devil keeps up and does everything in his might to distract you, knock you off track, and feed you with lies.

From seventh grade to the end of my junior year in high school, I struggled with spiritual warfare. The thing is, I didn’t know it was spiritual warfare. It was hard to fight a battle blinded by Satan’s schemes. It was hard to find joy in my trials and confidently take up my cross daily when I didn’t realize I was being attacked by the devil; I thought that all the lies flooding my mind were genetic and I was just a depressed member of the family like everyone else. I fought loneliness, self-worth, and had an identity crisis. It was true that you could be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.

I was bullied in seventh grade, so I felt like a burden to everyone around me. I soon gained interests in things that would only leave me empty and confused. I spent many months hiding things from people because I thought they would think I was a hypocrite and not a true follower of Christ. My life was a sinful cycle of doing certain things to find happiness and then seeking help in the wrong people (who didn’t have my best interests at heart), and then being paranoid that they would let my secrets out and expose my actions. It was exhausting keeping up this persona and realizing that what I thought was “freedom” was actually self-imprisonment that held me in chains and created a life of despair.

My depression got so bad my junior year that I would cry for no reason. I thought, “What is wrong with me? Why am I so crazy? Why can’t all this just stop?” My “hunky dory” personality became altered and I was very short-tempered and unintentional; I hated who I had become. My life changed radically when I hit rock bottom at a NeedToBreathe concert. I was with my friends and my sister, and everyone was having a good time, including myself—and then I had an anxiety attack. I cried in the middle of the concert for reasons I couldn’t explain. I felt dazed and was wondering why an awesome night was being ruined by my craziness. I wanted to go home; I did not want to be there. I wanted the unexplained pain to stop. Redemption abounded when my sister pulled over the car on the way home and prayed over me. She told the devil to flee from me and to stop attacking me so I could live for Christ. She yelled at Satan for all the years of personality and heart deterioration he did in my life.

It wasn’t but maybe a week later and I felt completely fine! I could breathe again. I felt like all my past worries and anxieties and living a counterfeit lifestyle were washed away. I felt restored after just that one prayer. The devil lost his battle with me when he was finally exposed. Even though that time was spent in oceans of manipulation, along with chasing vacant desires, I wouldn’t trade those hardships for anything.

The Lord has promised good to me and He will never steer me the wrong direction. He allowed me to share my testimony with a girl who was battling depression in my small group at church. I prayed over her like my sister did and exposed the devil of his awful attacks. My five-year battle reminds me of Psalm 23 when God left the herd of sheep to go find that single lost one. He didn’t acknowledge my brokenness and leave me there, but picked me up, called me His daughter, and restored my faith. He led me beside still waters and refreshed my soul because He knew I was worthy of redemption. Not only that, but He knew my story would be able to be used for His glory and to have my pain used as a megaphone to announce His faithfulness.

I am not ashamed of what I went through because that’s not who I am. I see my struggles as a place where I was lost, and where God came and found me. It’s not a story of what I’ve done, but about where I was and what HE did for me. It’s been about two years since I struggled with depression and internal mental conflict. I still have problems from time to time—like all humans—but I certainly am not in the darkest of places where I was before. I am now working on two applications to become an R.A. for the resident halls and to become a counselor for a camp in North Carolina so I can love on people and share my testimony with those searching for help. I want to share with them the One who rescued me from the situations I got myself in. His name is Jesus, and He alone can restore and fulfill a rebellious heart that was totally shattered. I truly believe that day by day I am breaking the chains of generational family depression and dysfunction and will use the power of the Holy Spirit to mend my family’s brokenness.

#66 Let The Lord Take THE Position

June 6, 2020January 11, 2017 by pamamilliongodstoriescom

Photo by Trevor Rapp

I’ve struggled for some time now with taking what I like to call THE position. It’s evident that the Lord has given me His heart of compassion and mercy. But sometimes I overstep my boundaries as a burden carrier. Recently a loved one confessed an addiction to heroin. I was immediately confused. How was I not aware? How has this been hidden?

I began to curse drugs and drug dealers. I was hurt. If you couldn’t guess, my next thought was to walk through the battle of healing with this loved one. I wanted to see restoration. I wanted to see transformation. These hopes aren’t wrong but I began to take ownership, THE position, of this process. For several weeks the Lord taught me what it was like to care from a place of prayer—to intercede and not intervene. With prayer, I was able to weep, bring my doubts, fears, and requests and see the LORD comfort me but also begin to bring EXTRAORDINARY healing.

Healing is real. I learned during this family crisis that God is alive and still healing. Addiction wouldn’t have the authority in this story. My family was able to take a position in this loved one’s life through prayer and was able to discern when to step in and do whatever the Lord asked of us. I’m making this sound easy, but addiction is hard and being free from it is a process. But victory is possible! The Lord is still healing people today. Take your proper position and let the Lord take THE position.