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#194 Learning to Love Again

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Photo by Jeff Rogers Photography

I grew up in America’s white middle class. I was raised Catholic, and I am grateful I grew up in a home where God was important. I went to Catholic schools for 12 years and then went to college. I have always been active in sports. I played a lot of soccer, including playing during college. 

I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and got a couple of really good jobs after college. In my mid-20s, I got involved in a bad relationship with a lot of domestic violence. I was stuck in this relationship for about three years. The person I was with was involved in illegal activities, including drugs. I knew what he was doing, but there was so much violence. I was just focused on surviving. 

When the police came to our house, my abuser said to me, “If I’m in trouble, you are in trouble, too.” He testified against me in court and said things that weren’t true. I had drug charges, but I wasn’t involved in drug deals. We shared a home and a bank account, which was a problem. I never sold drugs and never had a drug addiction. But addiction definitely could have been part of my story as a way to escape. I think I was headed in that direction. 

I was sent to prison with a five-year sentence in Marysville, Ohio. I served four of the five years. Going to prison actually saved me. The violence had gotten really bad and more frequent. I believe I would have either been killed or would have killed him to protect myself. While I was incarcerated, I was free from all that, and it was such a relief. As crazy as it sounds, I can honestly say I am glad it happened.

I believed in God before I went to prison. Before I got involved in the bad relationship, I had really begun to pursue a relationship with God. But that was put on hiatus through the relationship problems. While I was involved in the relationship, we went to church together. It was a matter of show for him. For me, it was a way to convince myself and everyone else that I was fine. It was very difficult to accept and admit that someone had taken every part of my life away.

My journey with God in prison began when one of my friends sent me a picture of Jesus walking on the beach. It said, “You never realize God is all you need, until He is all you have.” I remember sitting on my bed and reading that. It was the beginning of me starting over. It was the beginning of me letting God tell me who I was again. Because of the relationship, I had no idea who I was as a person anymore. I had been listening to the voice of the man who was abusing me. I had let him tell me who I was. 

In prison, I began to dive into scripture, trying to find out who God believes I am. I wanted Him to teach me to be the person He originally created me to be. I was excited to learn who that was. I also went through the process of discovering love again. I had become very jaded about “love.” For three years, I had someone tell me they loved me while they were abusing me. I had to go through the process of believing that God loved me, that others could still love me, and that I still had the ability to love others. God taught me how to love again and what love means. 

I read the book Redeeming Loveby Francine Rivers. I cried so many times during that book. I put myself in that book — as someone who had run away and didn’t feel like God loved me, yet someone who God kept pursuing and loving. I felt like God was saying to me, “I’m still right here. I’m still right here. No matter what, I’m still here.” I hung on to that. 

I went through scripture and read about the Proverbs 31 woman. These were all the things I wanted to be. I felt like God was telling me I could still be that person. When I went to prison, my confidence had been destroyed. I went through the process of regaining confidence, but it wasn’t coming from me. It was a different confidence. Before my confidence was dependent on something that I did to earn it. Now my confidence comes from God. Even when I am weak, He is strong. I have learned that God has it. Now I just see myself as a willing vessel for His plan in my life. I have confidence that He will unfold that plan and guide me to become the woman He created me to be. 

Until the COVID-19 shutdown, I was working for an optometrist and enjoying sports and going to the gym. I still attend the same church that I attended prior to going to prison. I am involved in their prison ministry. When I first heard about their prison ministry, I thought, “There is no way I am going back to a prison,” but God kept nudging me. Diving into that has been really awesome. I walked into the same prison in Marysville where I was for four years. I walked in and walked out on my own accord. It was a total redemption story. God brought it full circle in that moment. I thought, “God, You got me here and saved my life, and now You have brought me back to the same place to be a source of hope.” I am also a board member with a nonprofit that helps people affected by domestic violence. This has been very healing, too. God already had the whole thing planned out. Everything that was a struggle — everything that was a negative in my life — has become a positive. I have wonderful people in my life that I would have never known. God worked so much good in what Satan meant for evil. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I have learned that God is so loving. He knows so much about me. He knows everything I struggle with and everything I am good at. The unconditional love of God is something you will never experience anywhere else. It’s always there. It’s never-ending. It’s the best relationship you will ever be in. 

No matter what it looks like or what people are telling you right now — there is hope. You might not believe it every day; there were definitely days I didn’t, but there is a story that is already written for you. It is an amazing thing to be on a journey with God. Having an open heart and spending time talking to God and listening to God is so important. The more time you spend with someone, the better the relationship. It’s the same with God. I never wanted my time in prison to be for nothing. Don’t walk out of prison without the relationship with God. Don’t waste the time. Don’t waste the time. 

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 2 Corinthians 4:17

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#175. The Desires Of My Heart

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Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

My parents didn’t take me to church but I went with a neighbor regularly. I LOVED church growing up. I went to every camp and on every mission trip. I was really smart in high school, and by all appearances I was set for life. My parents were together and my dad had a good job as a policeman. Everything should have gone well. But a few months after I graduated high school I was raped and then as hard as I had run toward God, I began to run away. When I drank or did drugs, everything was okay. I didn’t have to think about things that were painful. I started to find my identity when I was high. All of a sudden, I could express myself and had no social awkwardness. I was the girl who would do anything, the girl who was funny. Even though I had grown up in church and loved Jesus and I knew He loved me, I didn’t connect my identity with Christ. So, what that meant was that I was always searching to find my worth in friendships, performance, and relationships. I didn’t find any worth in me apart from these things.

My moderation switch was broken. I was either going 100 miles an hour or sitting still. My drug addiction was no different. Balance was missing from my life. Anything that happened to me was either the best thing that happened or the worst. Being high leveled out my perception of extremes.

I ended up pregnant and still couldn’t quit. I started getting arrested. At one point in all of this insanity, I took my daughter to my grandparent’s house and didn’t go back to get her. I knew that I couldn’t take care of her and she would have a better life with my grandparents. I sought treatment but I didn’t think I was a true addict. I couldn’t stay clean after treatment, even after multiple treatments and multiple jail stays. My addiction got worse. It went from pain pills to heroin to meth, and then I started making meth. At this point I was living in a house without electricity and water. In October 2012, I came home and the police were waiting on me. I was charged with manufacturing meth and facing 20 years in state prison. Eventually it was dropped to a lesser charge and I ended up with a four-year sentence. I served 11 months and that was enough to keep me straight for a while.

When I got out of jail, I got back involved in church. I no longer blamed God for the rape. I had surrendered my drug addiction to God but I hadn’t surrendered any other aspect of my life. I was still seeking my identity in the wrong places. I went from horrible relationship to horrible relationship and got pregnant again.

During this time, God started working on the heart of my daughter’s father. He was very angry (and understandably so) that I had left her with my grandparents, and I thought that I would never see her again or even hear her voice. But after I got out of jail, he allowed me to see her and she started living with me again. She was 4 years old at the time. I got a good job and then had the new baby, and between all these responsibilities I stopped going to church. I thought it would be okay to start drinking. In my mind, I was a junkie and alcohol wasn’t a big deal. But just like everything else, I had no moderation and very quickly I was drinking every day. A friend sent me a message that said, “I have relapsed.” I know he was reaching out for help, but when I went to meet him, he had drugs and I asked for some. I began doing drugs again after that.

I had hoped that I had overcome my problem with addiction, but this relapse extinguished all hope. It was like someone poured a bucket of water on it. I tried to stop but couldn’t. Thankfully, my family intervened and said, “You are going to treatment, or you are on the street.” I found out about a residential treatment center and called on Monday, but they said they didn’t take my insurance. Tuesday I called and asked which insurance they accepted so I could switch, and they said they had a meeting and decided to take my insurance! Wednesday they called and asked if I could come the next day. I said yes and arrived there on Thursday, August 11, 2016. Two days later the house where I had been doing drugs was raided by police and everyone in it went to jail. Wow! Praise God for His perfect timing.

The treatment center sat at the top of a mountain and I remember the driveway up to it was so long. I was so broken. I had had such a hope that I could raise my kids and have a job to support them. I thought I was doomed to live a life of constant relapse. I knew that my older daughter’s father had taken her once and I was terrified that he would take her for good. I was afraid my family would take my younger daughter. I didn’t know if I wanted to live another day. I had NO HOPE that this place would help me. I had been to so many treatment centers that couldn’t help me … why would this place be different? The first two weeks my attitude was just to “do my time” until I could get out. I received a letter from my employer saying they would not hold my job, which meant I wouldn’t have a way to support my children when I got out. This drove me further into hopelessness.

I’m not sure how long it was before I started opening back up to God again, but slowly and without a definite starting point, it happened. I began to find my true identity as a daughter of God. I learned that I don’t have to be the best to be loved. I can be myself and be okay with myself and know that people love me. During treatment, I found out about the Peer Support Academy, an online program that I could do at the end of my treatment to get certified to help others with addictions. This was a career path—a way I could support my family. Learning about this opportunity gave me hope. After I finished treatment, I completed the training and became a peer support specialist. In May, I was hired as full-time staff at a residential center. In August, I was transferred to the corporate office where I currently work with the chief of staff. All of my strengths are being used in my job now. I get to make a difference in people’s lives because I am sharing hope and showing them that change is possible. Life is still really hard but there are so many blessings! When I look at where I was a year and half ago and where I am today—I never thought this would be possible. There were many times that I had hoped that I would OD and die, because it was the only way I saw out of the prison of addiction. But God didn’t let it happen. He had other plans and He didn’t let me go.

Now both of my children live with me again and I’m a mom. I was just able to buy a car this year. I am renting my own house. I have never been able to do that! I feel like God is just saying, “Let me give you the desires of your heart!” When I was in high school I loved participating in mock government activities and conferences. Earlier this year I was asked to talk to state legislators about my story and advocate for treatment for addiction instead of incarceration. It isn’t mock government anymore!

When I was in treatment, I made a list of qualities that I wanted in a life partner. I had been in unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship and I made a commitment to stay single until God showed me the man that would fit all of these qualities. After many prayers asking God to show me this man that He had picked out for me, He finally brought us together. October 3, 2018 I was privileged to marry the man that I had been searching for. Not only did he have all of the qualities on my “list,” but he has qualities that I didn’t even know that I needed. I am so blessed to be able to worship God with a husband that loves Him as much, if not more than, I do. 

When I was in treatment, every day we were asked questions. One was:

“I want to be someone who__________.” My answer was “someone who my children are proud of.” Last year a regional newspaper published my story and my 9-year-old daughter cut that article out and wrote, “Good job, Mom!” and taped it above her bed. This is the child that I was never to lay eyes on again. God is a God of restoration. The Bible promises that God will restore all the devil has stolen, and He is doing that, and more, every single day of my life.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#132. A Beautiful Masterpiece

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 Photo by Ashely Rainwater Bilbro

In eighth grade, I started having terrible migraines. They lasted for months on end and I didn’t know what was wrong. Medication didn’t help. My parents took me from doctor to doctor—one even thought I had brain tumor, but I did not. Finally, a doctor determined that my migraines were related to hormonal issues. He told me that there was a new drug on the market, that it wasn’t FDA approved, but that he thought I should try it. He said that it caused weight loss but that I could afford to lose weight.

Perhaps I had blossomed a little more than the other girls in my eighth-grade class, and I did come from a big Greek family and we loved to eat, but I was by no means overweight. The words of my doctor about losing weight really bothered me. I thought, “Even my doctor is telling me to lose weight.” But I didn’t speak these things out loud. My doctor also told me to exercise more. After the first 5–10 pounds that I lost, I got some compliments. I realized the medicine was making me lose weight quickly, and things began to spiral out of control. I became obsessed with what I was putting into my body. By end of eighth grade I had gone from 120 pounds to 90 pounds. My parents attributed the weight loss to the medicine. But I was constantly restricting my food and over-exercising. By the time I entered high school, I had lost another 15 pounds, and eventually I got down to 65 pounds. My parents thought I was eating but I was giving food to the dog or hiding it. They didn’t understand why I was losing weight and took me to multiple doctors. Finally, when I was alone with one doctor, he said, “Is there something you want to tell me?”

I broke down and told him, “I can’t get ahold of myself. I don’t know why. I want to be smaller. I want to be beautiful.” This secret had been choking me and I felt great freedom in telling the doctor. He reassured me that he knew how to help. He connected me with another doctor who began meeting with me once a week. At my first appointment, he looked at me and said, “I am really not quite sure why you are alive, but there is a God up there and He has a big plan for you.” The doctor said he had never treated anyone in such a serious condition from an eating disorder. My heart rate was less than 30 beats per minute (normal is 72). My bones were brittle from malnourishment, but none were broken. When he related it to me like that—that my life was in grave danger, and in fact he seemed surprised that I was alive—I knew things needed to change.

I realized that I had a problem. I needed the Lord to give me peace. I needed His love to pour over me and change my life from the inside out. I recommitted my life to the Lord. I was raised in a family of committed, dedicated Christians. But I had been drawn away to earthly things. The number on the scale dictated my worth, not the fact that I am a child of God. We live in a world where we compare ourselves with others and it is very tempting to fall into that trap.

It took a few years and I had a few setbacks, but I am much better now. I am happy and healthy with no irreversible damage. I am now getting my PhD, and it is surreal to think of the change in my life.

But it is still a struggle for me. I can’t do this without the Lord. Every morning I still feel ugly and undeserving. But I start my day in prayer, and that changes me. The Lord is right there saying, “Your worth is in Me.” I know that God has a purpose for my life. I can use my experience for God’s glory to help other people who feel trapped. I am closer to the Lord than I have ever been. This is how God’s grace has worked in my life. I want to embrace His grace instead of questioning it. I want to embrace it and pass His grace and love on to others.

I have a Type A personality and it was hard to surrender, but this is what really saved me. I just let Him take over. I had to turn to the One that created my life and give my life to Him, surrendering to Him every day. Each day I say, “Okay, my day is Yours. Tell me how to go about it.” This can be applied to anyone’s struggles. Whatever it is, God can get you through it.

I have often meditated on the verse from 1 Corinthians and thought, “This is the least I can do for Jesus—honor Him with my life, and that includes my body and how I treat it.”

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”

1 Corinthians 6:19–20

God has never forsaken me. He is always there. I feel like my life was a broken vase. God has glued it back together into a beautiful masterpiece and I never want to go back. 

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#86 Gradual Change

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Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

My first outing after I was released from the hospital as a baby was to go to church. Fitting, as my dad is a pastor. 

I have grown up in the church, reciting Bible stories since I can remember, and I have always been deemed the “good child” of my five siblings. I came to college with a good foundation, ready to take on a broken campus. The devil had every intention of wrecking that plan and taking me down a different path. 

My freshman year I was simply lost. I was seeking approval in a long-time boyfriend, in the social scene of college, through my GPA, and just about every place that I knew I was going to be let down—that was where I was searching. 

My story does not have an earth-shattering moment where I turned my life around, but that is okay. Jesus wants to change your heart gradually over time, just like He wants to change it in a drop of a hat. That same year, I interviewed for a camp for the upcoming summer. I received the job and that summer changed my whole view on life. My heart was being renewed and God was showing me the “dirt” that was buried in my heart that I needed to remove. I learned that I no longer needed approval from a boy; I no longer needed the partying and drinking phase of college; I no longer needed a good GPA. What I needed was Jesus. That summer I learned how to solely depend on Him and fully trust Him with His plan for my life. That summer taught me that I am enough and I have all I need in Him. 

My second year of college has looked totally different. My life is so free! And it is my own! I am no longer bound by a boy, and I am no longer bound by the stereotypes of what college “should” be like, because Jesus tells me I am loved. And Jesus tells me that I am known by Him. How wonderful is it that the God of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE knows exactly what we need?! He knows the inmost part of our heart, He knows what we like for breakfast, He knows if we prefer coffee or tea, He knows what makes us happy, and He knows us better than anyone else. There is no boy, drink, party, grade, etc., that will ever compare to the love and freedom you can find in Jesus! And the amazing thing is that He wants to give it to you. He wants you to turn from whatever is holding you back, and He wants to wrap you in His arms tell you that you are loved and that you are enough. 

I have found my hope and it is in Christ and in Him alone. No one/nothing else will bring you the eternal hope that we have when we fully surrender our lives to Jesus Christ. And when you do, you will feel that freedom.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#82 He Sees Me White As Snow

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Photo by Morgan Worley Photography

I asked Jesus into my heart and was baptized in third grade. I grew up in the church and was lucky to have the opportunity to learn about God and the Bible multiple times a week. I knew all of the stories. I knew all of the facts. And that’s what my faith was: facts. I never understood how to take these facts and turn them into a relationship with God. 

I had been a believer for 10 years by the time I got to college. But throughout parts of my time in college, there was someone in my life who was pulling me away from the Lord. The relationship was never pointing to Christ, and this person quickly became an idol in my life. This made it very easy for this person’s emotionally and mentally abusive words to soak into the core of who I was. As a result, my identity was formed around these harsh words. 

I am unimportant. I am unlovable. I am unworthy. I am unwanted. 

I lived with this identity for close to two years before finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I began meeting with a woman from a local church for biblical counsel. We met for four months. She helped me work through many passages, but one day sticks out to me above the others. She told me to write out all of the reasons I needed forgiveness from God and pray through 1 John 1:9 in the time between our next meeting. When we met again she asked if I had asked God for forgiveness. She was puzzled when I said I hadn’t. She had me read 1 John 1:9 aloud. “But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all wickedness.” Then she asked me if I believed what this verse said. Of course I believed it; it was another one of the facts that I had memorized as a young child. Jesus came and died on the cross for the sins of the world. Easy. But then she asked if I believed this for me. 

Tears immediately started rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t comprehend Jesus would do that for me. But it’s true. Not only did Jesus forgive me of my sins, but He blotted out the stains the sin left. When God looks at me, He sees me white as snow. After two years of asking all the wrong questions, I asked for forgiveness and He renewed me in the same instant. 

And now I have a new identity. I am a daughter of the King. I am chosen in Christ. I am created in the image of God. I am adopted by the Father. These truths ignite a fire in my soul because I know that my identity and worth come solely from the One who fearfully and wonderfully made me in His image—praise God! 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#81 My Weakness and Shame Brought Into His Strength and Victory

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Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

Since high school, I’ve always known what the Lord was calling me into—ministry, worship, and music. I always knew that His promises for me were big ones. But along the way, I got distracted by pride, greed, jealousy, boys—you name it. I got so distracted that eventually my worth and identity were found in worthless things. 

When I was a freshman in college, my boyfriend, who I thought I would be with forever (go ahead and raise the red flag here) suddenly broke up with me because “God told him to.” Instantly, the lies were accepted in my heart that God wanted me to suffer. That I wasn’t actually worth anything to Him. The Jesus that I used to sing about didn’t actually love me and that He died for me out of obligation. That nobody would ever love me and that I was alone. My own desire to be separated from God and the pain I thought He was causing, led me into self-deprecating thoughts and actions. I began hurting myself and concocting ways that I could possibly end my life, and I began to hear voices in my heart that encouraged me to do so. 

A professor at the college I attended, by what I believe to be divine inspiration, started noticing me. I was making sure that I was covering up my pain both physically and emotionally, but still, she saw me. She gave me words of encouragement about how she has dealt with depression. To not give up on God. That there was hope. It was like water to my arid heart. Through her words, some particular wounds began to heal and I was at least able to pray again and allow Him to replace some lies with His truth. But still there were other lies that were deeply rooted in my heart about His affection toward me. 

Fast forward eight years, and I thought that particular part of my life had been healed. I was pretty much satisfied with the way things were going. I had gotten married to a wonderful man, been actively involved in my church in Lexington, and was going through an intense interview process to be on staff at that church. The morning of my second interview, I looked at myself in the mirror and the Holy Spirit said to me, “They’re going to ask you about your past and you’re going to tell them about your freshman year.” Instantly, tears were streaming down my face with the desire to keep that part hidden. I didn’t want to admit how much I had been deceived into thinking the thoughts that I did. I had never shared this part of my life with anybody and now I would share it with people that I was trying really hard to impress. 

I wanted to appear to be the perfect candidate, but through faith, I obeyed. I cried through the whole thing and it was still painful and felt shameful. So later that night I went out for a drive and I just cried out to God and said, “I still feel so ashamed!” and His voice pierced my heart with a choice. He said, “You don’t have to be ashamed.” He showed me that what I thought were my weaknesses and losses could be brought into His strength and victory if I would let Him—that my worship could be more powerful coming from a once broken place than a place that’s never known His power and healing. 

And from that place I’ve seen Him do wonderful things. I’ve seen Him cultivate vegetation where it was once dry, dead, and cracked. I’ve seen Him produce fruit! Now when I sing and worship, it comes from that place. Not just by what I’ve heard about my Father, but what I’ve experienced of His love! It’s by His power and His presence that my heart has been made new, and it can sing again! What I used to hate about my past has now become very precious to me, but only because God has done something through it! I’m just so thankful.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#67 From A Pit Of Darkness To Glorious Life

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Photo by Erin E Photography

I had always been the good girl. The one who never went out, got good grades, and loved the Lord. When I came to college I found myself a little lost. I began partying and seeking attention from any boy that walked my way. After drunken nights and horrible mornings, I thought maybe I needed to stop doing this and go back to Jesus. I transferred schools and thought that every temptation and sin would be left behind. I got back into the party scene, and one weekend found myself drugged at a party. I woke up the next morning unclothed, unaware of where I was, and ashamed. I had been raped that night. My world came tumbling down. My heart became hard toward Jesus and I lost sight of who He really was. After months of not dealing with the pain of that night, I finally broke down. My walls crashed to the ground and on the other side was Jesus. My Savior, my Comforter, my Redeemer was there all along. He reminded me that I am loved, sought after, and clean. My brokenness led me to see Jesus in a way I never had before. At the moment of absolute despair, my Savior saved me. I was in a pit of darkness, but by His grace I was brought to glorious life.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#59 Resting In His Love, Trusting In His Plans

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 Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

Undesirable, unlovable, worthless, ugly, sinful, never good enough…

What do all these things have in common? They are all LIES that have been whispered in my ear for years by the Devil—lies which I wholeheartedly believed. I’ve grown up knowing in my head that these are all lies and that my Father in heaven adores everything about me—but believing this truth was a totally different story.

I grew up singing along with Veggie Tales, chanting John 3:16, and saying my prayers before bed. I knew that Moses parted the Red Sea, Noah built an ark, Esther saved the Jews, and Joseph had a really awesome coat. Most of my life these were just stories holding no truth or evidence to how powerful, loving, and simply amazing the Lord is.

As I grew up, I was able to put on a mask and be a “Super Christian” by day, and a girl with an empty and broken heart by night. It was almost like I possessed a superpower, knowing exactly what to say in small groups, going to the right church events, posting the most inspirational Bible verses, and knowing all the words to worship songs on Sunday. Nobody knew that behind closed doors there wasn’t a girl with a heart full of joy and laughter, but a girl who was drowning and desperately needed rescuing.

My junior year of high school I started battling with depression and feeling weaker than ever. I would go to school with a smile on my face each day, and come home feeling defeated. Crippling insecurities followed me everywhere I went, a feeling of worthlessness consumed me, and my heart was absolutely empty. I was diagnosed with a mood disorder and prescribed medication, which I thought would surely “fix” me. The medication helped lessen the constant sadness, but the emptiness in my heart remained.

I realized that I needed more. I needed my Father. I came to a breaking point where I knew that no amount of medication could “fix” me and that only my Father could heal, restore, and rescue me from the life I was living. I finally took off my mask and exposed my weaknesses and struggles. It was amazing how freeing it felt to be a woman who was finally living for the Lord. I started to listen in small groups—not just focus on saying the right things, not just memorize words to worship songs but understand them, and not post inspirational Bible verses on Facebook but onto my heart. I needed to learn who I was in the Lord, and fight the lies the enemy had fed me for so long.

The Lord’s presence, guidance, and love became so evident in my life as I continually pursued a relationship with Him. I am now a senior at the University of Kentucky, and looking back at both the trials and victories I’ve faced, I see how God has always been by my side. I’ve gone through really low valleys and high mountains, but I know that I was never alone, and that the Lord has always been fighting for me. He knows my every thought and intention, and sees all my failures and sins, but loves me unconditionally. His love has healed me, given me comfort, strength, and peace.

I had let my problems and fears hold me back from glorifying Him and being the light that I was created to be for so long. I am now able to rest in His love, trust in His plans, and glorify Him in all that I do. My prayer is that through every season of your life that you passionately pursue the Lord and stand strong in your faith. You are saved, adored, and loved beyond measure.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#55 A Daughter Of The One True King

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Photo by Morgan Worley Photography

Today I decided to take the first step in faith toward taking control of my future. However, the most important thing to note is that I am NOT in control; I have absolutely NO control over how my life turns out, nor do I have any control over the circumstances and situations that have happened in my life thus far. I can’t turn back the clock and make things change and manipulate them to work out the way I wanted them to originally. And that is okay.

For the past several months or longer, I truly struggled with feeling God’s love. I could pour love out to others all day long, but I always felt so lonely, so unseen, so undesirable and unworthy of this thing called love. I would walk around with a smile on my face all day when I was with friends or family—and while I was truly happy during those moments, I always felt that something was missing. I fought my battles with that darkness in the dead of night—fighting back the LIES the Devil was placing in my head. During these moments, I never would allow my joy to be touched by this darkness that lurked in my life.

If you don’t already know, there is a difference between joy and happiness. You see, joy is eternal. It is the hope that we hold onto that we will one day see our Great Creator’s face, that peace will one day not only be something we’re searching for endlessly but that we get to feel every day we live. Happiness is temporary. You know that moment when you see a really cute dog and you get overly excited and ask the owner if you can pet the really cute dog? (P.S. you always ask to pet the dog, but that’s not the point.) If you get to pet the really cute dog, you become filled with this sense of happiness, but soon you’ll forget the dog and the feeling that you got when you petted it. Happiness is temporary; it fades. Joy does not. Joy is an all-consuming, never-ending, hope and peace within your soul. It’s that moment when you take the first sip of your hot coffee (or tea) sitting on your front porch at 6:30 a.m. when the birds are chirping, bees are buzzing, sun is rising, stars are fading, and the world begins to wake up, yet all seems still and calm.

Through my recent struggles, I began placing my worth and value in this person, or that job, or this grade. I viewed who I was and who I am through the lens of this world—wanting to be accepted by people or family, essentially holding onto the old and letting the new slip between my fingers. I began believing the lies this world told me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried in the last couple of weeks—but I was beginning to have to use my toes for help.

So today, I took my first step in faith to begin living my life the way God has intended me to all along. It’s a blind walk; I don’t know the treasures that are set before me, but I do know that whatever it is, it will be magnificent. I was always that girl who believed people around me are worthy of SO MUCH; that they are worth everything the world has to offer through God’s blessings; that they are worth the best of the best. But I never believed that for myself. Today that changed. As I prayed this morning, I dropped the weight of my burdens at the foot of the cross and asked Jesus to pick them up once and for all, because I could no longer carry the hurt and the weight that was pressing on my heart. I could no longer bear being sick to my stomach, not being able to eat, because I hadn’t said my peace to that person; I could no longer bear feeling like I was worthless and undesirable. And in that moment I heard the words, “You are the daughter of the one true King; walk with that knowledge.”

God and I have played tug-of-war with control here lately. “I am strong,” I would say to myself—but in all reality, I am the weakest link, and the only reason I am as strong as I am is because I have a God who loves me through my hardheaded moments, who goes to battle for me when I don’t even know it, and who carries me when I am not even strong enough to stand on my own two feet. When you only see one set of footprints in the sand, who do you think did all the walking? I promise it was not you.

Today I found the love I’ve been longing for. In Romans 8, God shows us the extent of His glorious love. The beginning of Romans 8 talks about our sinful nature, stating that because of Jesus being sent to die on the cross for you and I, we are no longer condemned if we belong to Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). By letting our sinful nature control our minds, this can lead to death (if we do not repent of our sins and ask forgiveness, we can be condemned to live eternal life in hell), but by letting the Spirit control our mind, this can lead us to life and peace (if we live to reflect God’s Spirit and give God the glory in all the things we do, this will lead to a life of eternal peace in Heaven). God’s Spirit joins with our spirit when we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, affirming that we are adopted as His children, and that because we are adopted as His heirs together with Christ, we share in His glory—but we must also share in His sufferings (Romans 8:16–17).

These few verses showed me that even in the midst of my sinful nature (i.e., trying to take control of my life, creating worry, letting my anxiety and depression defeat me and not allowing God to do His job), He still loved me. He waited patiently for me to turn back to Him with full force. From Him constantly poking me on the forehead saying, “Sydney, I’m right here; hand it over, let me take care of it. You can’t handle this on your own”; to Him literally picking me up and carrying me when I felt like I just couldn’t get out of bed; to this point, right here, where I’ve handed my life back to Him—He loved me through it. He didn’t walk away when I got mad at Him; He didn’t leave me when I constantly doubted Him.

Today I allowed myself to “be still and know that [He] is God” (Psalm 46:10b), and by doing this, I heard God speak truth into my life: Romans 8:18–19 “Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are,” and Romans 8:38–39 “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I found God’s love and I am so excited to pursue Him as the one true King. Today I found my worth; I found my strength, my hope, my one true love—and though I know times will come where I fail Him (in fact, daily), I am finally able to stand firm in the belief that I am not alone. I know that I am truly loved and that my future is secure. It is okay to walk a blind walk; in fact, while it is definitely scary, it is also fun. I am the daughter of the one true King, and I deserve to be treasured as such. So do you! To the sons of the one true King, you are just as treasured, just as valuable, and just as worthy of a love so great. “Only in darkness can you find the diamond.” Persevere in the darkness; allow yourself to grow closer to God in a time where there seems to be no light. It is always in the times when God seems so distant from us that He is truly just holding out His hand waiting for you to let Him help you up. Matthew 11:28 NLT says, “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#53 Listening Taking A Leap Of Faith

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Photo by L. Smyth Photography

I have recently been praying and asking that the Holy Spirit would move in me by revealing opportunities to love others, and that when those times come, to give me the boldness and conviction of heart to act.

I am a freshman in college and over winter break I had the privilege of being able to go on a winter retreat offered by one of the campus ministries. I knew that this was a chance to have open ears for different things the Lord might want to show me through worship, fellowship, and messages, and to refocus to keep my eyes on Christ as I headed into the second semester. I was tempted to think it was a chance to get rest that was much needed, but I have been on retreats before with friends, and I knew that there would most likely be very late nights and little sleep.

During one of these late nights, I sought out one of my friends who is a staff member at this campus ministry to pray over me before I returned back to school in the spring. She pulled in another staff member to pray over me as well. Right when we were about to start, three girls whom I had never seen before approached us to talk to one of the staff members they knew. Due to the fact that we were about to start praying, the staff member asked if the three girls would like to join us in prayer. Initially I did not know how I felt about this, but it was not a huge deal. If they wanted to join, why not? There was no harm in it.

The two staff members began to pray over my life. These two have prayed over me before and when they did, I could hear the Lord’s voice and His direction over my life because of their incredible gift to hear from the Lord and speak His truth. Once again, God blew me away with the things He wanted to reveal to me through the prayer of these two.

But the Lord was not finished working in that moment. After the group had finished praying over me, one of the staff members began to speak directly to one of the three girls who had joined us. He said he felt that the Lord was telling him specific ways in which He viewed her and how she was going to serve Him in the future. She replied that he was spot on and that she had been working through these same things he had mentioned.

He then asked if we could pray over her, and she agreed. This is where I witnessed God move and work the most. People in the group begin to pray different things over her including the identity that God has given her. As we prayed, I recalled how I had been asking the Holy Spirit to move in me. I did not know this girl at all and was content to listen and not pray out loud over her. As people continued praying over her, they were saying various things that had to do with the Lord being pleased with her. I kept waiting for someone to actually say this phrase—that the Lord was pleased with her just how she is. No one ever did.

I felt my heart begin to pound and my chest get tight. I really felt like this needed to be said, but did not know if I had the place to say this over someone I had never seen until 30 minutes ago. That was it—I made up my mind that this was placed on my heart for a reason and that I needed to say it. I spoke up and said, “I know I don’t know you very well at all, but I feel like the Lord wants me to tell you that He is completely and fully pleased with you. You can stop striving. He loves you for exactly who you are and where you are at.”

As soon as I said it, the girl burst into tears. She had heard exactly what she needed to hear from the Lord in that moment. I had never experienced anything like this, where God used me so directly to influence another’s life to reveal His truth in their life. I was stunned and filled with joy. Not only did God answer my prayer to fill me with the Holy Spirit so I may be led by Him more, but He showed me that if I would just be willing to be aware of His voice, listen, and take more leaps of faith, He would show up in big ways.

I am extremely encouraged and thankful for a faithful, attentive Father. I am grateful for the prayers of the staff members who spoke truth over my life and convicted my heart. God was certainly glorified in that. But God had even bigger plans that night. He orchestrated every person in that group to be brought together for a specific purpose so that His will would be done and His Holy Spirit would move, calling His children back to Him in love. It was not I, but He that moved in hearts that night and was faithful to my initial request to be moved by the Holy Spirit to act. He is worthy of our trust, faith, and praise.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

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