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#68 Breaking Chains Of Generational Dysfunction

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Photo by Ashely Brown, Shining Light Photography 

When you’re little, you’re usually oblivious to all the things that have happened around you or within your family. You don’t understand why some family members don’t come around on holidays anymore or why family fallouts happen.

Growing up, I felt like I was the mediator for my entire family. I saw the brokenness that was passed down from generation to generation, along with the drug use, anxiety, psychological disorders, OCD, verbal abuse, depression, and mental illnesses that flooded my family tree. Suicide completion and attempts made its way into my family on multiple occasions. I loved my family so much and enjoyed holidays spent together. I hated to see so much selfish conflict separate a powerhouse genealogy such as mine, when I had faith in each of their potential.

After many years of watching hate and true dysfunction divide my family into bitterness, I decided I no longer wanted this awful family curse to have an effect on my life or have the possibility of being passed down to my kids. When you make a bold decision to follow Christ and be the chain-breaker, the devil keeps up and does everything in his might to distract you, knock you off track, and feed you with lies.

From seventh grade to the end of my junior year in high school, I struggled with spiritual warfare. The thing is, I didn’t know it was spiritual warfare. It was hard to fight a battle blinded by Satan’s schemes. It was hard to find joy in my trials and confidently take up my cross daily when I didn’t realize I was being attacked by the devil; I thought that all the lies flooding my mind were genetic and I was just a depressed member of the family like everyone else. I fought loneliness, self-worth, and had an identity crisis. It was true that you could be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.

I was bullied in seventh grade, so I felt like a burden to everyone around me. I soon gained interests in things that would only leave me empty and confused. I spent many months hiding things from people because I thought they would think I was a hypocrite and not a true follower of Christ. My life was a sinful cycle of doing certain things to find happiness and then seeking help in the wrong people (who didn’t have my best interests at heart), and then being paranoid that they would let my secrets out and expose my actions. It was exhausting keeping up this persona and realizing that what I thought was “freedom” was actually self-imprisonment that held me in chains and created a life of despair.

My depression got so bad my junior year that I would cry for no reason. I thought, “What is wrong with me? Why am I so crazy? Why can’t all this just stop?” My “hunky dory” personality became altered and I was very short-tempered and unintentional; I hated who I had become. My life changed radically when I hit rock bottom at a NeedToBreathe concert. I was with my friends and my sister, and everyone was having a good time, including myself—and then I had an anxiety attack. I cried in the middle of the concert for reasons I couldn’t explain. I felt dazed and was wondering why an awesome night was being ruined by my craziness. I wanted to go home; I did not want to be there. I wanted the unexplained pain to stop. Redemption abounded when my sister pulled over the car on the way home and prayed over me. She told the devil to flee from me and to stop attacking me so I could live for Christ. She yelled at Satan for all the years of personality and heart deterioration he did in my life.

It wasn’t but maybe a week later and I felt completely fine! I could breathe again. I felt like all my past worries and anxieties and living a counterfeit lifestyle were washed away. I felt restored after just that one prayer. The devil lost his battle with me when he was finally exposed. Even though that time was spent in oceans of manipulation, along with chasing vacant desires, I wouldn’t trade those hardships for anything.

The Lord has promised good to me and He will never steer me the wrong direction. He allowed me to share my testimony with a girl who was battling depression in my small group at church. I prayed over her like my sister did and exposed the devil of his awful attacks. My five-year battle reminds me of Psalm 23 when God left the herd of sheep to go find that single lost one. He didn’t acknowledge my brokenness and leave me there, but picked me up, called me His daughter, and restored my faith. He led me beside still waters and refreshed my soul because He knew I was worthy of redemption. Not only that, but He knew my story would be able to be used for His glory and to have my pain used as a megaphone to announce His faithfulness.

I am not ashamed of what I went through because that’s not who I am. I see my struggles as a place where I was lost, and where God came and found me. It’s not a story of what I’ve done, but about where I was and what HE did for me. It’s been about two years since I struggled with depression and internal mental conflict. I still have problems from time to time—like all humans—but I certainly am not in the darkest of places where I was before. I am now working on two applications to become an R.A. for the resident halls and to become a counselor for a camp in North Carolina so I can love on people and share my testimony with those searching for help. I want to share with them the One who rescued me from the situations I got myself in. His name is Jesus, and He alone can restore and fulfill a rebellious heart that was totally shattered. I truly believe that day by day I am breaking the chains of generational family depression and dysfunction and will use the power of the Holy Spirit to mend my family’s brokenness.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#49 A Heart Overwhelmed With Hope

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Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

Hope is frightening. It is often met by pain and disappointment and it is one of the biggest risks we are asked to consistently take. Hoping for love when you feel unlovable. Hoping for financial provision that seems all too impossible. Hoping for the salvation of a family member who wants nothing to do with God. Hoping for your dreams to one day finally become reality.

After graduating from college, I found myself lost with no idea what direction I was going. I stopped believing for the best. I numbed myself to dreaming, to hoping. There was pain that came from having expectations, only to see them shattered or unmet. So I retreated back to my own personal limits, my own well-kept yard of not risking. And my heart began to wither. I could feel it slowly losing heartbeats. I let go of dreams, desires, expectations—and the vibrant life in my heart began to dull. I couldn’t feel God and I couldn’t hear Him clearly. I felt abandoned and dry, like I would die of hunger for Him.

Hope seemed all too risky. And keeping my heart safe within its walls was surely the way to keep it unharmed, right? Why love? Why hope for the impossible best? Why hold on to dreams that are so far out of reach? My heart continued to fight back to Him. But God, always concerned for the health of my heart, never stopped pursing it. I felt everything I wanted to feel as He drew my heart to hope again. As he found me at my breaking point—weary, anxious, desperate. He breathed life into my heart and it began to beat like never before.

Faith sees, and hope feels. Faith sees where there is nothing yet to see (Hebrews 11:1). It sees the invisible and looks past impossibility. Whereas hope—hope feels it coming. It’s that lurch in your soul. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know when, but I feel it coming. Something amazing is coming. I feel the provision. I feel the longing in my soul and I will not numb it with doubt. I will let the longing deepen. When I choose not to hope that there is the best in store for me, my heart becomes sick. And hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). That must mean choosing to hope gives my heart life. That day it hit me. That day I will never forget. I felt God faithfully wrap His arms around me. And I gasped for air. Alive. I felt so alive. My heart began pumping again. He had overwhelmed my heart with HOPE and has continued to every day since.

Undone by my sudden lightness, I became aware of the necessity of hope. Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of how many times I had been disappointed, regardless of the impossibilities that stood before me or the lack of visible breakthrough, I had decided to choose hope. Even when it hurt. That’s the thing about hope; it’s painful more times than it’s not. And many times we are tempted to block out the thing that hurts, insisting that our life would be better without the pain. The reality is that yes, hope is painful, but it keeps us alive. We can’t numb the hunger pains and the desires for the best to come our way. So I will keep hoping. I will no longer numb the hunger pain. I will continue to let hope grow, creating a light that shines of God and His promises. I will forever choose hope that is founded on the truth and goodness of the Most Holy One. Not only has He overflowed my heart with hope, but I have felt a duty as a daughter of the King to bring everyone to hope. Our Father gives hope to the hopeless, and that is exactly what He has done for me.

Not all our stories will always turn out exactly how we dreamed them to be, and there are no promises that our lives will always be happy and without pain in this world. But one thing we can be sure of is that our God will eternally be faithful. He gives me the unwavering hope that some of the best days of my life have yet to be lived.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#41God Did A MIRACLE In My Life

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Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

Going into sophomore year at the University of Kentucky, I never could have imagined the struggles that would soon flood my life. I began going to frat parties that typically ended with me being boozed, sick in a bathroom with strangers. I was searching for my identity, and in doing so, I began to get into a relationship with a guy who I believed was amazing and genuinely cared for me.

However, it turned out that I was not the only girl he was in a relationship with and I began to compare myself to the other girls he was seeing, never seeing myself as good as them—not skinny enough, smart enough, involved enough. I started to feel so worthless, that I let these attacks in my mind begin to take a hold of my actions. I suffered from bulimia for three months—the three LONGEST months of my life.

It was such a mind-trapping and soul-gripping time, that one night I finally broke and cried out for God to come rescue me. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but the enemy continually told me it was right, and that I was trapped for good. But little did I know, God was beginning to do miraculous works in my life the very next day. An old friend of mine that I hadn’t seen since elementary school reached out to me, inviting me to this thing called Passion. Passion is a conference that takes place in Atlanta, that hosts thousands of college students facing the same struggles, trials, and everyday life issues that I was facing. I found God redeeming, restoring, and loving my soul just in that short time, where His love shined through all the darkness I was facing. He assured me that truly He had never left me, and that despite my past, nothing could hold me back from Him.

Jesus stands with open arms; all we have to do is run to Him and He will make all things new. I went back to campus and became involved with the local campus ministry CSF. I found a home with a group of spectacular girls who opened their arms to me, loved on me, prayed for me, and lifted me in ways that they didn’t even realize.

Now, God is pouring into my heart more than ever. I’m hearing from Him daily, and feeling a stir in my heart that I’m meant for an unimaginable purpose to pursue Him and help others along the way. God did a MIRACLE in my life, and I want others to know that He still is the God who performs miracles, every day, for ordinary people, with an extraordinary plan. Through the pain, there is purpose, and Jesus is there the entire time, just watching and waiting, saying, “You should see the plans I have for her, and she doesn’t even know it yet. Just you wait.”

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#40 Never Had I Felt So Close To Heaven

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 Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

I’ve asked God for many years that before I leave this earth I wanted to step foot onto African soil. I never knew exactly why this was such a strong desire for so many years, and as each year passed, I began to wonder if this prayer would be answered.

On March 25, 2016, I lost my job as an RN recruiter with no forewarning—no two weeks to plan my future, direction, or to give me time to tell my husband that my income was gone. But I had this crazy joy and peace down in my soul that I could not explain. It was then I knew God was up to something. I just wanted to be ready to say “Yes, Lord.”

Within five days I received a text from an awesome man of God stating that I was supposed to go with him in three months to Swaziland, Africa and do a women’s Christian conference. My response was, “I just lost my job, and as much as my heart desires to be in Africa, there is no way.” He responded, “If you will have faith and believe, God will provide.” Wow! He had said a mouthful. I had been asked several times to go to Africa on different occasions but it was never the right time. So I began fasting and praying, and it wasn’t long before I had my answer. Now, how was I going to tell my husband that besides losing my job, I have got to raise thousands of dollars within three months to fly across the world? But God…

When I shared my heart and what God had spoken to me, I began to hear faith rise up in my husband—and I know nothing but the love of God could prepare me for what happened next. My husband said, “Not only do I support you going, but I am going with you!” Tears began to stream down my face uncontrollably and I started praising God in my kitchen, knowing without a doubt God was about to answer my long-time prayer request.

Now the hard part (or so I thought). This is where our faith becomes truly active. I knew the cost for me was a little mind blowing—but now with two of us? The price just doubled, but God continued to remind us that there is NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE with Him! We had only three months to raise about $8,000—and me without a job. I knew this was a God-Sized Assignment and that we needed to take it one step at a time.

To make a long story shorter, we launched a Go Fund Me page for the first time in our lives. It was humbling and exciting to see how God was going to work this all out! Our first 24 hours we had $240, and as each person began to fill our page with their donations, our hearts were filled with so much joy as we got closer to our goal. To God be the glory—we raised all the money for the trip and for even enough for spending! That is the kind of God we serve.

Now the best part. We arrived in Africa with my friends and another pastor that we fell in love with. We had a team of five people. We began ministering from the time we landed, and the bond that was formed during our two-week stay was phenomenal. The country is absolutely breathtaking! The people are so loving and embracing. But their love and hunger for God was more than amazing!

The day before the women’s conference began, women were walking with huge baskets on their heads, a bag in each hand, and some had a baby they were carrying around their waist. They were walking with excitement and anticipation, coming to the church to spend the night in order that they would not miss the opening session of the conference. The church was built from concrete blocks with a tin roof and concrete floors. These women don’t usually get the opportunity to have a conference just for them—sermons geared to their hurts, needs, and desires from God. Some of these women never went home; they stayed each night in the church, and each morning the ladies of the church would bring them breakfast—which usually consisted of boiled eggs, bread, and juice. I am a minister, and never have I seen such devotion.

After the conference there was a nightly revival. I realized that all these women could not go to bed until the revival was over and the church was emptied. My husband and I realized that these beautiful people were teaching us what it means to truly serve God with your whole heart. No matter the situation, no matter what we don’t have, we just need to serve and love Him for who He is. We had it all wrong. And as the tears began to stream down my husband’s face, we both realized why this trip God ordained was the right time.

God had me do an altar call, and as I was ministering, I noticed there was not one chair that still had a person sitting in it. All the women came to the altar for prayer, and I was reminded of Pentecost in Acts chapter 2. The whole church so was filled with the Presence of God that I could hardly breathe. Never in my Christian life had I ever felt so close to heaven. It was then that a new purpose for my life was being formed within my soul.

My husband…I can hardly write this without my soul being overwhelmed as I think about his transformation and what God was doing in his heart while in Africa. His prayer life changed and he was called into ministry while we experienced God in such a deep way. That’s why this time was the right time! The families we ministered to, the lives we touched, and those who touched us in very special ways have changed our lives. I told the people of Swaziland that I felt like I had traveled all this way because I had family here that I had never met. What a joyful reunion it turned out to be! Because of this trip, we now have a new commitment to God, we worship differently, we love deeper, we see through God’s eyes instead of our own, and we live to please God in anticipation of being able to spend an eternity with Him.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#25 His Love And Light Lead The Way

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Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

I laid down ‘my career’ to follow Him.

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. (Philippians 3:7-8) 

I was baptized at Southland Christian Church on Easter of 2009. Having participated in my first Bible study just three months earlier, I was seeing Light for the first time and in awe of God. My life was surrendered that day and the pastor said that God would do a circumcision on my heart to remove whatever is blocking me from Him. Just three days later, the earth shook. My role with my company suddenly was changing and the Lord, in His love and grace, gave me a choice to make… Continue working in the glamorous industry of sports or lay it all down to follow Him. Thirteen years had been spent building “my career”… working for major companies, high profile people, and championship-level programs. I knew in my heart that God was calling me to do something else. So eight days following baptism, my resignation was submitted… laying down “my career” to follow Him. The next day, the Lord led me to write my testimony, repenting of a work-a-holic lifestyle where “my career” was the center of my universe. I had been a perfectionist, independent in about every way, materialistic, and in the race to be first. The Lord helped point me to a new vision with Hebrews 11:1 leading the way, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

I was hoping for three things in life…

  1. God’s grace

  2. That I do His will

  3. For that great, Christian man He has for me (whenever that may be)

And that my life would be…

  1. Full of faith and love for life

  2. Every day an exploration

  3. Every year a “Bucket List”

  4. Healthy and fit physically… in-sync with a free and joyful spirit

  5. Making a difference

  6. A bright light

  7. Balanced personally and professionally

  8. Valuing every dollar ($0 debt, saving, giving and receiving)

  9. Connected in a special way with people, animals and the earth

  10. Rock solid in God’s word

I also had a new passion for helping broken people and felt called to be a leader working for a great cause.

Seven adventurous years have gone by since then and the Lord is so good and faithful. The whole miracle of life is found in Jesus. In him we live with God’s eternal love and infinite grace… and He is that which truly fulfills us. For so many years, I sought fulfillment and happiness in career accomplishments and success, busy doing one deal after the other, and one task after the next. Now, His love and light lead the way and I pray to be thankful and content in whatever season we may be in. Love is patient, this I now know.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God had done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink and find satisfaction in all his toil – this is the gift of God”. (Ecclesiastes 3:11-13).

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#19. Showing Me His Heart

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Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

 My freshman year of college I was depressed and hopeless. It wasn’t like me. I used to chase after what I thought was Jesus and I used to be happy. But my life had changed and I was defined by drinking, smoking, and filling my life with lies and “friends” who were actually just people that were just as depressed and hopeless as me. I would do whatever it took to feel like I was having fun. I replaced joy with temporary pleasure.

Halfway through the year I decided that I wasn’t going to continue living this way, so I decided to sign up for a summer camp. I wanted to go on staff and be a counselor. I mean, I liked kids and I would probably meet some cool people, so why the heck not? Not to mention, I would be getting paid.

The rest of the school year went on and I had Jesus on the back burner. It’s difficult to stop living life in a pattern that you’ve created for yourself. Finally, summer arrived and I was going to camp. To make an extremely detailed story short, Jesus wrecked me. Through leadership, community, and unconditional love, Jesus showed me what life should look like through Him. Leading kids at camp challenged me and put me in situations where I had nothing to rely on except for Jesus and His wisdom. The community at this camp was so uplifting. The friends I made, especially toward the end of the summer, helped to set a foundation for myself going into the school year. I remember praying at the end of camp, asking God to provide me the same kind of community when I got back to school. All I could think about was how horrible the year before was. I had no idea what Jesus was going to do. I came back from camp, got involved in one of the most amazing college ministries in the United States, and never looked back. Jesus has outdone what I asked Him to do, and has provided me with something so precious. I have an endless amount of friends and people constantly pouring into me. I even have the opportunity to pour into others and lead like I did at camp. Jesus can do so much once you make the decision to seek Him and give up everything else for His heart.

I’m learning and growing more and more every day. Each phase of life I go through is showing me more and more about His heart. I can’t wait to see where my faith will be and where the faith of everyone around me will be in the next six months. I know Jesus is doing radical things in this community.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#14 Healing Of My Wounded Heart

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 Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

When I was 15 years old, I committed what I thought was an unforgiveable sin: I had an abortion. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about it. I was haunted by the memory and the guilt. I became angry and depressed. I tried counseling and even medication, but nothing truly healed my pain.

I kept this terrible secret for five years. Finally, I confided in a friend who led me to an organization called Assurance, and their ReKnew program. God worked through this program to help me deal with everything—the guilt, anger, and depression. I was transformed as I learned of God’s forgiveness and healing through our study of the Bible. At one session, each participant was asked to write down all of their sins on small pieces of paper and then put the papers in vases filled with water. Every one of the papers simply disappeared, dissolving without a trace. Gone. I finally understood completely the grace and forgiveness of our loving and merciful Father.

In the weeks that followed, God continued to mend the brokenness of my heart. We held a memorial service for our children and then were given time to be with God, asking Him to reveal to us what we should do to help us heal. I bowed my head. I had felt that my baby was a girl from the beginning. How I wanted to see her face! I closed my eyes. But it was light, not darkness that filled my eyes. It was as if I was looking through a window, and then . . . there she was! Beautiful long brown hair, a pink dress, she was skipping toward me. I could see her dimples and her teeth. She was happy. She looked right at me and smiled. It was wonderful! I finally felt the peace that had evaded me for so long. I could physically feel God healing my wounded heart.

The Lord has given me the healing that I needed; He knew exactly what to do. I have been redeemed by my Father who loves me unconditionally. I am fully renewed.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#10. What You Were Created For

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Photo Nicole Tarpoff

 It was late January of my sophomore year of college. Life seemed to be crumbling down around me. My family was in shambles—lies, poor choices, conflict, pain. My heart was broken by a man I thought I trusted. My desperate, sinful choices were overwhelming, like a longing never fulfilled. And in the pit of confusion, I was once again caught in the same traps that the enemy laid before me the previous two decades of my life.

In the midst of each raw circumstance crashing down around me, my mind was even more unsettled than that. I was in the middle of an identity crisis—one I had been battling since birth. Failure. Shame. Heartache. Worthlessness. I couldn’t figure out WHY I was here again. Same mistakes, same fear, same outcome. I had “given my life to Jesus” a year and a half prior to this moment. Aren’t things supposed to get better? The questions, the heartbreak, the sense of failure—all were haunting me as the conviction of the Holy Spirit stirred deep. Will I ever get up from this place with victory?

I truly didn’t know. It was on this night (with these longing questions) that I sung out to the Lord in agony on my bedroom floor: “You know when I rise and when I fall. When I come or go, you see it all. You hung the stars and You moved the sea, but still You know me. . .” The truth of His pursuing love began washing over me in these lyrics. The song continued, “Nothing is hidden from Your sight. Wherever I go, You find me. You know every detail of my life. You are God, and You don’t miss a thing.” The lyrics of Steffany Gretzinger’s song became like an anthem in the pit. It was a moment of DECLARATION over the raw, exposed, bleeding places in my life.

In my wailing melodies, a Strength entered the room. It was sudden and clear. A simple whisper, more powerful than the pain, spoke like a arrow into my heart, “Are you ready to surrender everything?” The presence of God came into the room. It was a revelatory moment. I heard no other words, but with absolute sureness I saw that I must pursue Him for everything He is and says that I am. I saw the condition of my unhealed soul, filled to the brim with wrong beliefs and perspectives that were not in line with His. In this moment of clarity, He was allowing me to make a choice: to keep on going in my path, or to abandon everything I knew and walk toward a path where I could see no end without cost. I made a choice with reckless but hopeful abandon that this moment would change everything.

He made it very easy for me to see the path to take that night. It was almost like a surrender of my will for His. What an exchange of glory! I genuinely asked Him to have everything. It was the night I took a step toward healing. Little did I know it was a massive leap toward discovering who I REALLY am. Not who the world says I am, but One much more eternal than that. He comes to heal the brokenhearted. He comes to set the captives free. He pursues us in the darkest pit. He doesn’t love with conditions. He is true. He is faithful, even when we aren’t. He loves us too much to leave us in our state, but also loves us too much to force His way. He is kind, and His kindness leads us to repentance.

My life changed FOREVER that night. It’s been over four glorious years since this time in my life. I never knew what would be waiting on the other side of surrender. I never understood how paramount saying “yes” to Jesus can be. Our obedience, even when it doesn’t make sense and you know it may hurt, is worth it! He is GOOD—so, so good. I never imagined the anchor He could be for one who KNOWS what it means to be a daughter of the King. Life doesn’t just “get better.” It’s better than that; we learn who we are in any season! We see who He is, holding tightly to these constant promises. Trials will come, but they can’t dictate our unwavering hope any longer. We are free from being tossed by the waves. We are identified by His image. It’s a love stronger than our strength. It is the power of God Himself indwelling in us. It’s our inheritance as children of God.

Pursue healing. Chase the true reality of His promise. You’ll find His Presence is what you were created for. I sure have.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#4 Breaking Chains of Shame

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Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

My God story happened my freshman year of college when I woke up in a fraternity house. Unclothed and unaware of thestranger sleeping next to me, I was flooded with confusion and guilt. I abruptly got up, went to my dorm, balled my eyes out, and thought: “I feel disgusting. What am I doing?” I then thought, “I feel like God probably has a purpose for my life, but I don’t think this is it. Why am I here? This is not what I was made for.”

In that moment, something in me switched. Little did I know, that little thought was really Jesus knocking at the door of my heart, saying, “Let me in. Come. Come know me. Come taste and see.” So I came. In the beginning of this journey, I started to attend our campus ministry to get my life together. I didn’t want to feel so horrible about myself anymore. What I didn’t expect was for God to transform me from the inside out. But that’s what He did.

When Christmas break came around, my Bible study leader dragged me to a conference in North Carolina where I heard Marian Jordan Ellis, founder of Redeemed Girl Ministries, speak for the first time. She was gorgeous, full of life, and she spoke with authority (and a little sass). I loved it. After her sermon, she kicked all the guys out of the room for “women’s time” where she shared her full story with us. She let it rip. She was so real and raw with us, and as she was talking, I felt as if she were speaking right at me. She was pointing out all the shame that we had felt, all the hurt, and all the heartbreak. After being rocked by the fact that our struggles were so similar, she began to talk about her love: Jesus. As she talked about Him, she got choked up and teary-eyed simply telling us how beautiful He is and how He had changed her heart forever. Hearing her speak about Him as if He were so close, I realized that this woman really knows Jesus. This woman really loves Jesus.

I thought to myself, “Okay, I don’t feel as guilty and dirty as I did before, but I feel like there’s more to this Jesus thing than I thought there was. God, I want to know you like that. I want a heart that loves you like that. A heart that loves you more than anything else in the world.”

WOW. Never underestimate the power of prayer. I soon realized that God will never say “no” to a prayer that asks to know Him more. This revelation caused transformation in my life. As I sought Him, He showed up. He opened my eyes to see, and He started blowing my mind. So I prayed for more. “God, I can’t really understand the Bible without you. Please give me understanding.” Prayer answered. More and more, God broke off my chains of guilt and shame, awakened me to His love, gave me understanding of His word, put a fire in my heart, immersed me in amazing communities, gave me true joy, showed me that He SPEAKS to us (WHAT?!), let me see Him miraculously heal my friend’s broken foot right before my eyes (WHAT?!), and brought LIFE to my dry soul. A once depressed, shameful freshmen girl became a new creation—a set free, redeemed, and cherished daughter of God. My life went from complete darkness to light in one year of college.

But He didn’t stop there. As I was reminiscing on that powerful memory of hearing Marian Jordan Ellis, I stopped by her website to see more about her ministry. I noticed that she hosts events all around the nation that gathers college women to hear her story, and it said to contact the “redeemed girl” email. I sent an email, never expecting a reply. Shocked, I read her response: she would be able to come in January 2016.

Following this email, God did all the work. He provided funds to host the event, the venue, and a team of 25 college women from all over campus to lead, plan, and pray for this event. Believe me, I am not administrative. God did all of this. After a semester of prayer, growing in confidence and leadership, and getting the word out, Redeemed Girl Ministries arrived in Lexington, Kentucky all the way from San Antonio. At 7 p.m., we opened the doors of our classroom building to almost 400 college women who showed up for this “Girl’s Night Out” with Marian Jordan Ellis. Boy, they didn’t know what they were stepping in to. After her fun and energetic introduction to these sorority women, Marian, once again, let it rip. Her testimony brought this room to tears, and the Spirit of God encountered these girls. Light hit darkness. Desert souls tasted living water. Jesus walked into these girls’ lives, and hearts were opened. People realized—many for the first time—that they are worth dying for. Over 100 University of Kentucky girls accepted Christ for the first time that night.

God has been bringing waves of revival to Lexington this year, and this was one of them. And it all started with one lost girl whom God gave eyes to see. Thank you Jesus. You’re not finished with us yet, and this God story is not even close to finished. “For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring, and my blessing upon your descendants. They shall spring up among the grass like willows by flowing streams.This one will say ‘I am the LORD’s…’ and another will write on his hand ‘The LORD’s…” (Isaiah 44:3-5).

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#2 Encountering A God Who Saves

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I was raised the son of a Nazarene evangelist. My childhood was spent going from one church camp and revival to the next, all across the United States. The Jesus that my father portrayed behind closed doors was something I didn’t want anything to do with. 

When I was 13 years old, my dad continued to travel and preach, but I stayed home more and began getting involved with rough crowds, smoking and drinking. In my teens, I began smoking marijuana and taking pills, LSD, and cocaine—you name it. Eventually, in my late teens and early twenties, I became a crystal meth addict. This went on for five years; all the while, I was playing in and out of bands. I was vehemently against Christianity; if someone even mentioned Jesus to me, I would cuss them out.

My sister and brother-in-law were praying for me during this time. They gave me a copy of The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. It was a miracle that I even accepted the book. But I did, and one night I found myself reading it in bed at 3:00 a.m, with a joint burning in the ashtray beside me. But it really wasn’t the book, as much as it was what happened while I was reading the book. The manifest presence of God entered the room—and by “manifest,” I mean that His presence was palpable. I KNEW GOD WAS THERE. Basically, He said, “I am real. Now, what are you going to do about it?”

I then had a non-verbal conversation with God, saying something like, “I know you are real but how do I let go of this empire of garbage that I have built around my life? I want to but I don’t think I can do it.”

In a thought more powerful than words, the Lord said, “You don’t have to; I will.” God knew that because of the way I was brought up, if He revealed Himself to me in church, I might feel manipulated. He approached me in a way where there was no denying that it was Him. In that moment, I gave my life to Christ and stopped selling and doing drugs, and never returned to that world again.

My girlfriend gave her life to Christ a couple of weeks later. We were engaged and eventually married. My relationship with my father was restored and he baptized my wife and I. About a year later, I was hired as a worship leader. That was 15 years ago, and I have been a worship leader ever since. The Lord is still writing my story and I am constantly in awe of His goodness!

Today, I am a worship leader and songwriter for Iron Bell Music in partnership with Essential Worship and Provident Label Group, which is the Christian arm for Sony Music. We just released our first national single, “God that Saves,” which I wrote from my own story of encountering the God that saves. My goal is not fame, but rather to make Him known—to make Him famous through the gifts and the testimony that He has given me.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

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