Provision, Prayer & Healing

#57 Rejoice And Do Not Fear Broken Things

by

 

Photo by Madeline Trent, Frames of Grace Photography

“Knowing you’re in the arms of the One and Only makes my heart ache a little less. We knew from the beginning that you were His, and we placed you in His loving hands. He alone knew the number of days your darling heart would beat, for He created it after all. I’ve never seen Jesus face-to-face, but I know He’s infinitely grander than I could ever imagine. He is so good, trustworthy, loving, and kind—but you already know that! One day He will wipe away the tears your daddy and I shed from having to let you go before we wanted to. I have big faith in the Jesus you see. He healed you right into glory, into His embrace.”

These words of love were penned in my journal on December 13, 2015 after experiencing a miscarriage the day before. Psalm 139:16 says, “You see all things; You saw me growing, changing in my mother’s womb; Every detail of my life was already written in Your book; You established the length of my life before I ever tasted the sweetness of it.”

With this as our starting place, it would be my joy to have your company for a few moments, to share His grace in the brokenness.

There were some concerns with this pregnancy, and my husband and I knew our option was to trust Jesus with the worries, fears, and unknowns (Prov. 3:5–6; Phil. 4:6). Because of the concerns, I got to have multiple ultrasounds that allowed me to hear that precious heartbeat! I didn’t realize in the moment the gift that truly was, until later in the week when the labor pains began and the sight of too much red indicated there was no longer a heartbeat. December 12, 2015 was an unusually different day, a day that began with death, but a day that was hemmed in—beginning to end—with His grace and mercy, since He already knew “every detail” of my life in advance. The Lord had prepared me, through His word and the wisdom of others, to step forward into a day that I didn’t want to embrace. As the reality of our loss took root, the Lord reminded me of the powerful words of Psalm 118:24, “This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.”

Years earlier, a former Bible study teacher of mine had shared how Jesus would have said those words during the Passover meal with the disciples. If Jesus could declare those words, knowing He would be shedding red on a cross soon after saying them, then He would give us the strength to live into this day. We purposed in our hearts that the day was still worth living in and rejoicing in simply because God had created it.

Months before, that same Bible teacher had also admonished us to have the audacity “to hold tight with all your might to Romans 8:18—‘For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.’” Holding that verse closely was a soothing balm to my aching heart. Jesus knows it is scary to be us, and it was so kind of Him to have the Apostle Paul remind us that there is indeed something gorgeous in store! Also, a friend had shared with me, long before my experience with miscarriage, about a friend of hers who had lost a child at 16 weeks. Even though the loss was enormously hard, that dear woman chose gratitude. She chose to see His fingerprints of grace as she thanked the Lord for giving her that much time with her child.

As that detail of her story wedged back into my mind, I was able to see how much grace He had lavished on us as well (and I wish I could share all of it with you)! It was such a gift to be reminded to be thankful for the time God did give me with this little life. I share this story with you one year later. By the unbelievable grace of the Father, I share this story with you as another darling baby grows inside of me! I share this story with you thinking about a girl named Marie, who celebrated her birthday today in Africa (a girl we sponsor through Compassion International as a result of her sharing a birthday with our little one). I share this story with you knowing His arms of love are under me and under you.

And, do you have a moment for me to share a tad more about God’s goodness? The same month our little one would have originally been born is the exact same month that Jesus opened my womb with the gift of another life. My husband and I were stunned by the perfection of God’s timing and His sweetness to the details. As a dear woman shared with me after hearing I was pregnant, “We rejoice in the choices of our Lord! Knowing that the ones that hurt have the Healer beside of them. And the ones that bring joy have the Rejoicer beside of them! Rejoice in the Lord always! Again I say rejoice!” Ann Voskamp wrote, “Never be afraid of broken things—because Christ is redeeming everything.

And Jesus is doing that right now in my story, in our family’s story. There’s so much more I’d love to share, but by now our lattes are getting cold, and the Lord has more moments for us to separately pursue this day. While it can be scary to share a glimpse of personal pain, knowing that on a human level we have a tendency to rank and compare our pain to each other’s, I pray you leave our brief time together feeling encouraged—loving Him more and trusting Him more. “O Israel, stake your trust completely in the Eternal—from this very moment and into the vast future” (Psalm 131:3).

In the words of Elisabeth Elliot, “I am not a theologian or a scholar, but I am very aware of the fact that pain is necessary to all of us. In my own life, I think I can honestly say that out of the deepest pain has come the strongest conviction of the presence of God and the love of God.”

So, dear friend, let’s clutch our Bibles tightly, live from the truth of His promises, and love Him large through all the moments He gives us this side of eternity. You are loved beyond measure, and I can’t wait to hear your beautiful and miraculous story someday!

“May grace and peace from God our Father [and the Lord Jesus, the Anointed One] envelop you” (Col. 1:2b).

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#54 Should I Ride?

by

 Photo by Lang Thomas Photography

I was training for a three-day bike ride with lots of hills. The trek to Shakertown covers 100 miles and ends in Shaker Village in Pleasant Hill, Kentucky. From over-training, I ended up with a bulging disc in my back. It didn’t look as if I would be able to ride.

In my disappointment, I kept begging God to make me well. After several days of praying, I realized I had been telling God what I wanted, rather than asking for His will to be done. I confessed and prayed that my desire was to bring Him glory. If He wanted me to stay home that was fine. But if He wanted me to go, I needed it to be abundantly clear. It was down to the wire. Would my back be well enough, and should I ride?

I prayed these prayers with tears of confession and submission to His will. A few minutes later, I opened my morning devotional to my bookmarked place. To my astonishment, in Liz Curtis Higgs’s book, Rise and Shine, I read these words, “Welcome to Simplicity. Come with me to Shaker Village of Pleasant Hill, Kentucky.” Blown away by God’s direct answer to my prayer, I went. I rode pain-free each day and was able to share the story many times with my fellow riders. To this day, I always marvel how personal God is and how He is involved in every detail of our lives.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#53 Listening Taking A Leap Of Faith

by

Photo by L. Smyth Photography

I have recently been praying and asking that the Holy Spirit would move in me by revealing opportunities to love others, and that when those times come, to give me the boldness and conviction of heart to act.

I am a freshman in college and over winter break I had the privilege of being able to go on a winter retreat offered by one of the campus ministries. I knew that this was a chance to have open ears for different things the Lord might want to show me through worship, fellowship, and messages, and to refocus to keep my eyes on Christ as I headed into the second semester. I was tempted to think it was a chance to get rest that was much needed, but I have been on retreats before with friends, and I knew that there would most likely be very late nights and little sleep.

During one of these late nights, I sought out one of my friends who is a staff member at this campus ministry to pray over me before I returned back to school in the spring. She pulled in another staff member to pray over me as well. Right when we were about to start, three girls whom I had never seen before approached us to talk to one of the staff members they knew. Due to the fact that we were about to start praying, the staff member asked if the three girls would like to join us in prayer. Initially I did not know how I felt about this, but it was not a huge deal. If they wanted to join, why not? There was no harm in it.

The two staff members began to pray over my life. These two have prayed over me before and when they did, I could hear the Lord’s voice and His direction over my life because of their incredible gift to hear from the Lord and speak His truth. Once again, God blew me away with the things He wanted to reveal to me through the prayer of these two.

But the Lord was not finished working in that moment. After the group had finished praying over me, one of the staff members began to speak directly to one of the three girls who had joined us. He said he felt that the Lord was telling him specific ways in which He viewed her and how she was going to serve Him in the future. She replied that he was spot on and that she had been working through these same things he had mentioned.

He then asked if we could pray over her, and she agreed. This is where I witnessed God move and work the most. People in the group begin to pray different things over her including the identity that God has given her. As we prayed, I recalled how I had been asking the Holy Spirit to move in me. I did not know this girl at all and was content to listen and not pray out loud over her. As people continued praying over her, they were saying various things that had to do with the Lord being pleased with her. I kept waiting for someone to actually say this phrase—that the Lord was pleased with her just how she is. No one ever did.

I felt my heart begin to pound and my chest get tight. I really felt like this needed to be said, but did not know if I had the place to say this over someone I had never seen until 30 minutes ago. That was it—I made up my mind that this was placed on my heart for a reason and that I needed to say it. I spoke up and said, “I know I don’t know you very well at all, but I feel like the Lord wants me to tell you that He is completely and fully pleased with you. You can stop striving. He loves you for exactly who you are and where you are at.”

As soon as I said it, the girl burst into tears. She had heard exactly what she needed to hear from the Lord in that moment. I had never experienced anything like this, where God used me so directly to influence another’s life to reveal His truth in their life. I was stunned and filled with joy. Not only did God answer my prayer to fill me with the Holy Spirit so I may be led by Him more, but He showed me that if I would just be willing to be aware of His voice, listen, and take more leaps of faith, He would show up in big ways.

I am extremely encouraged and thankful for a faithful, attentive Father. I am grateful for the prayers of the staff members who spoke truth over my life and convicted my heart. God was certainly glorified in that. But God had even bigger plans that night. He orchestrated every person in that group to be brought together for a specific purpose so that His will would be done and His Holy Spirit would move, calling His children back to Him in love. It was not I, but He that moved in hearts that night and was faithful to my initial request to be moved by the Holy Spirit to act. He is worthy of our trust, faith, and praise.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#51 He Knows The Way Through The Wilderness

by

Photo by Stephanie Susie Photography

Misunderstood. Isolation. Unpredictable. Imprisonment. Exhaustion. Debilitating.

This is how my life felt from 2000–2006.  I was sick. I was in pain. I wanted answers but no one had them. I was continually told the pain in my arms and joints were from too much tumbling and cheerleading. I never agreed. Through high school and college I had been misdiagnosed, and it wasn’t until 2006 when I found out I had mono. While doing bloodwork with mono, they found some levels to be very off. I still remember the doctor telling me to go home and pray that it was MS and not lupus. I was shocked that he would say something like that, but also shocked that he would instill that fear in me. Once asked if I had any history of lupus in our family, it all started to make sense. Yes. We have a history of lupus throughout my father’s side of the family. Finally some answers that I wanted.

After all tests came back positive, they confirmed I had active Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. This affects many internal organs in the body. SLE most often harms the heart, joints, skin, lungs, blood vessels, liver, kidneys, and nervous system. You would think I would have been devastated at the news, but like many others I was just thankful to finally have answers. Before this I always felt like people thought I was crazy or a hypochondriac—when in fact, I was too busy hiding and playing down my symptoms because I kept thinking it couldn’t really be happening to me. I looked fine on the outside, but it felt like my body was killing me from the inside out.

After trying many medications of methotrexate, imuran, plaquenil, benlysta, steroids, multiple pain meds, and every holistic method—vegan, vegetarian, paleo—you can try, I am still trying to understand the mysteries of lupus. We are still working to find a combination of the drugs that will hopefully slow down the disease and manage the chronic daily pain. Currently I go every four weeks to get an infusion, which I get through a power port placed in my chest, and I do chemo weekly. It has saved so much time since my veins finally quit participating. Each day I take a mixture of pills and vitamins along with a gluten-free diet. It is time-consuming and very humbling, but I am still alive and I still have a chance to show my family and friends that I won’t give up this fight.

Because of lupus and its many complications, I have experienced a corneal transplant, a hysterectomy, kidney infections, pleurisy, major brain fog, breathing problems, heart issues, extremely dry eyes-skin-mouth, loss of hair because of the disease and meds, rashes on my face and arms, and sensitivity to sunlight, along with many other fun adventures. I also experience complications of other autoimmune disorders that like to attach themselves to you when you have lupus. I have been diagnosed with several—such as Sjogren’s, celiac disease, rheumatoid arthritis (symptoms/not deterioration), Raynaud’s, anemia, vitamin B and D deficient, alopecia, along with chronic fatigue. With having so many things go wrong at any given time, I have learned what it means to be patient, how to simplify my life, how to build my faith, and how to appreciate the time that is given to me. I know I can only handle a certain amount of tasks each day and I am finally learning the limits of what that means. I am so thankful to have family and friends that understand this now and encourage me throughout this challenge.

I am hoping to share with others the beauty and the positive things this disease has taught me and many others. Lupus is devastating, but it has also taught me not to take things for granted—to enjoy the little things each day and to be thankful for the parts of my body that are working that particular day. I love that my son has learned about compassion and what it means to pray for those when they are sick. I love that I am able to share my peace with others and where my inner strength comes from. I am trying to look at lupus as an opportunity. It is an opportunity for me to share my story in a positive light rather than a negative one. I am a mother, a wife, and an artist. The Lord has blessed me with the ability to share my art by photographing weddings and senior portraits (Esther Bloom Photography). I am so thankful that I am able to have a job with hours I create and am able to provide for my family.

My aunt shared this with me recently before passing:

My Lord knows the way through the wilderness,

All I have to do is follow, strength for today is mine always

And all that I need for tomorrow.

My Lord knows the way through the wilderness

All I have to do is follow. (by Sidney E. Cox)

I know that no matter what happens in this journey with lupus, I will not be alone. God’s character has proved time and time again that He is in control. All I have to do is trust in Him. I am thankful for these experiences because through them I have learned what it means to trust in Him. I have learned how blessed I truly am. You can have a family, you can have a career, and you can have a life which is pleasing to the Lord. It may not be anything like you once planned, but it is still beautiful—because He has made EVERYTHING beautiful in His time.

I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.  Isaiah 46:4

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#50. Out Of Deep Waters

by

Photo by Trevor Rapp

On June 15, 2000, I was four years old, the middle of five children, living in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. My family was attending an end-of-the-year baseball pool party for my brother. At some point everyone went inside and I was alone by the pool. I don’t remember falling into the deep end…

They frantically searched for me. My mom looked for me in the pool but didn’t see me. More searching, more panic. Seven minutes had passed and my mom heard a voice. “Check the pool. Check the pool.” She did and this time saw my red swimming trunks.

They pulled me out. My belly was swollen, full of water. I was purple. I did not have a pulse. My father is a doctor and began giving me CPR. An ambulance was called and EMS took me to the hospital where they told my parents I was dead with less than one percent chance I could be brought back to life. Somehow, miraculously, they decided to fly me to Children’s Hospital in Birmingham. The doctor who took care of me that night was named Dr. Buckmaster. Even though others had given me up for dead, Dr. Buckmaster did not. He was persistent, refusing to give up. But there was so much water in my brain…

During this time I received an unbelievable gift from God. An angel—a warm and comforting figure bathed in light and clothed in white, came to me, picked me up, and took me to a massive ladder. We went up the ladder, and when we got to the surface, we stepped onto a glass floor. Jesus met me there. He was smiling and it was the best feeling of my entire life. I have never experienced anything like it since. Absolute joy. Like being wrapped up in a giant hug with absolute protection and not a care in the world. We approached a massive door with jewels on it and opened it. I saw my Uncle Mark who had died six months before. When he died he had cancer and was so sick. I remember his face had bumps on it when he died. But when I saw him he was perfectly well and healthy. I asked him if he wanted to go back to earth but he did not. My Uncle Mark and Jesus told me it wasn’t my time yet.

Dr. Buckmaster kept working to try to save me. Overnight it had looked so bad…but at some point things inexplicably turned around for me. The water in my brain miraculously disappeared. My parents had been told that in the unlikely event that I did survive, I would have serious problems and would be in a wheelchair the rest of my life. But that didn’t happen. I am perfectly healthy and strong with no damage whatsoever from the drowning experience. I am now a junior in college with a 3.5 GPA. It’s like it never happened.

But it did happen, and I thank God for this experience because now I have assurance that God is absolutely real. God miraculously saved my life. God is a Healer and His power is unimaginable, incomprehensible.

Two final interesting notes…

First, my Uncle Mark that I saw in heaven was a massive hunter. His nickname—Buckmaster.

Second, many people were praying for me during this time. My mom was overwhelmed with sadness and worry, and at one point when my situation looked hopeless, she prayed that God would show her something in His Word to help her. She opened her Bible and this was the verse before her that gave her great comfort and let her know I would be okay.

 “He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#48 A Medley Of Human Empathy

by

Photo by Nick Key Photography 

But it hit, for him, out of nowhere.

A healthy life, a wife, a little daughter, ministry, work.  God had always provided but this was nothing like the former.  It was the ordinary and unthinkable: cancer.  And over a matter of weeks a world that was common and nurturing plummeted into groggy confusion.  Normal disappeared.  It was just survival: shaking, feverish, cold.  But though life felt remote, heaven did not appear.  That escape seemed to brush reality with weightless fingers and then disappear into isolation.  For life did not remove disease and neither did disease remove life.

And that was what suffocated: the isolation.  No one could really comprehend the pain of it, the reality of being lost in lifelessness but still, oddly, alive.  Misunderstanding hit, maybe, harder than disease.  Explaining it was like trying to describe a dream where why and how and what were loosely dangling from everywhere but general comprehension.

There was also the experience of trying to fit a conversation about a life unmade but not hopeless within the tiny box called small talk.  They would ask how he was.  But the few seconds of “Hello, how are you?” weren’t enough to tell the truth and a white lie seemed conventionally non-transparent.  It caused him to feel other than himself.  It was tough to be truly honest in those situations.  You’d run the risk of sounding totally depressed on one hand or trite on the other.  And he was neither.

But there were those thousands of pieces, placed with divine intention, into life and into disease, just the same.

That was the beautiful thing.  People were influence for the heart of God, which is presence.  It was a real “with us” kind of emergence.  The un-shattering and unification of interconnected humanity.  There were tiny bits of God darting in through a reality of living compassion and kindness, each an easy passageway into rampant grace.  As each person embodied the real, the Real arose.  It was Jehovah shooting alive through lips and acts and living bodies.

Though the Father did, in the end, give health – this wasn’t the care that really struck.  A Provider was named and the name was “He Sees Me.”[1]  And his eyes were, somehow, human and many.

And, though she’d always been there, a woman emerged as rock.  She was embodying the vows of marriage even as he did – in cancer and in clarity, sickness and health.  The essential combining of the couple emerged in ways that had been, before, unseen.  The practicality – the behind the scenes of cancer – was cared for with loving kindness.  He was survivor, and she managed it all – the keeper of order, of life.  God was seen, through her dedication, as Destroyer of Chaos.

And a small girl emerged.  This was the joy!  The shining and small, curly haired toddler was his and she knew nothing other than true, glistening life.  Death and sorrow and pleasurelessness were not found within her own youth.  And so the beauty of child-like and beautiful ignorance danced to a beat different than pain and isolation.  She was a bright gift from the Immortal to temporal.  From Daddy to daddy the blessing was daughter.  And her laughter made life brilliant within the shadowed lair of cancer.  The Spirit of God glowed warm.

The impossible began to take place.  In a way, the wholeness was always there – the fragments were always together.  The pieces of kindness and understanding, laughter and practicality fit together into the shape of God.  The God who sees! The God who could be seen through created image working out his kindness.  Piece by piece the shattered leapt up and lived!  It became bright, a medley of human empathy beating out the presence of God.

[1] Genesis 16:13; El-roi

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#47 Three Times In Three Hours

by

Photo by Nicole Tarpoff

Something very curious happened to me several years ago when I was traveling by myself for a work assignment. While eating dinner alone at a restaurant, I was catching up on some reading in Jan Karon’s At Home in Mitford. I read about the main character, Father Tim, preaching a sermon on the verse in the Bible, 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “Give thanks in all circumstances.”

When I got to my hotel room, I turned on the television and Joyce Meyer was preaching a sermon on 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “Give thanks in all circumstances.”

Later that night I talked to my son on the phone and asked him how his day went at school. At that time he attended a Christian school and he told me that they had a speaker that day who had spoken on the verse in the Bible that says we are to give thanks in all circumstances.

Now I had heard it three times within the span of three hours! This seemed like too much repetition to be a coincidence. I felt that God was sending me a clear message. In the months that followed, a tragedy occurred in our family and I needed that message of gratefulness in all situations. I clung to that verse and tried to find something to be thankful for each day, even on the worst days.

God knew what was to come and He prepared me in advance. Intentional thankfulness was challenging but helped me get through the terrible situation as it unfolded. I began to look closely for something to be thankful for each day and there were always many things. Eventually, practicing gratefulness became a habit, and I am now a more positive and happier person overall because of it—because of God’s message to me.  Three times in three hours can’t be a coincidence. God knows even the hairs of our head. God knows what is about to unfold in our lives and just what we need to help us. God sustains us in tragedy. Praise be to our God who loves, sustains and provides for us and for his holy Scriptures that nourish ours souls and guide our daily steps.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#44 Giving It All Away And Trusting Him

by

Photo by Trevor Rapp

Working for a nonprofit organization was never my plan after spending thousands of dollars going to college. I expected to go right into grad school and spend more money to get a great job and make lots of money. That’s most Americans’ plan, right?

Well, my plan quickly ended when I asked the Lord what His plans were for my life. I accepted a position at a campus ministry on the University of Kentucky campus. I learned that I would need to fundraise my salary. Before this, I had never asked anyone but my parents for money, so asking friends and strangers for money wasn’t something I was comfortable with. I found myself in prayer begging the Lord for boldness and wisdom on how to fundraise.

My fears were quickly shattered when the Lord led me to read a story in the Old Testament of a woman whose husband died and left her and her sons with debt. In biblical times, if someone had debt, their children would be taken away to serve and pay off the debt. This mother went to a prophet to ask what she should do. The prophet instructed her to give all of what she had in her possession to her neighbors.

When reading this story, I was confused and afraid for this widow. Give what little she had away? What was this prophet thinking? I imagine the widow didn’t understand either, but she trusted God. She went to fill all her neighbors’ jars of oil up with the one jar she had. Incredibly, she had enough not only to fill her neighbors’ jars, but had enough oil left to live off of for the rest of her life and pay off the debt!

This is what the Lord did for an obedient widow. I clearly heard the Lord tell me to give what little money I had away and to trust Him with fundraising and with all my finances. I obeyed. Two days later, I looked in my mailbox and there was $900! I was shocked, overwhelmed,  and grateful—and I believed. It’s true; the Lord provides. He still provides. If we sacrifice, trust, and wait, He provides. God is a provider!

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#43 Embracing My Identity In Him

by

Photo by Nicole Tarpoff 

I was always uncomfortable when someone asked for my testimony. Not because I had an intense or private story, but because I was “born going to church” and felt like I didn’t have a testimony to share. I thought my “getting saved” story was boring. But let me tell you, I eventually realized my story didn’t have to be about finding Jesus, but about when His love and grace turned my “religion” into an intense, intimate RELATIONSHIP with Him.

My titles growing up have always been: Goody-Two-Shoes, Christian Girl, The Innocent One, and Preacher’s Grandkid. I’m pretty sure I was in church as soon as my mom got over the fear of her firstborn child interacting with everyone’s germs. I was never a rebellious one and I’m quite the rule-follower, but deep within me I wanted to be known by anything other than these names. Quite ironically, being called “the Christian girl” and known as “the preacher’s granddaughter” brought me great shame for many years. I knew I was supposed to be in church, I knew my mouth and choice of words were supposed to be a fountain for His glory, and I knew He was supposed to be a permanent resident of my heart—but I hated drawing attention to the fact that I knew Jesus and that He loved me. Even more, I hated having to always live up to the higher expectations that preachers’ families are held to. On top of that, I also found my worth in what guys’ opinions were of me, what my scholastic accomplishments were, what the community of people I was surrounded by thought of me, and how many minutes I sat on the bench during a ball game. Those were labels I was trying to earn, yet forever failing to obtain them.

Throughout my years of college, I tried to push forward even when I couldn’t find the correct direction to go with my life. I didn’t want to let my family down by confessing that I no longer wanted to do what I had planned and that I was honesty clueless, because they had so much hope and expectation built up for me. For once, I wasn’t ashamed of one of my titles—I was ashamed of the lack of ability to title myself, as every college student frantically seeks to title themselves with their future career.

So… my love for travel, desire for missions, and the final attempt of secretly trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life (before everyone finally realized that I had no more of an idea than the rocks beneath my feet had for me), I ended up in Peru for a month doing a medical/dental/public health combined fellowship. I was at my lowest point spiritually and mentally. Fortunately, I was cut off from most communication due to lack of service, and after a few weeks I found myself sitting atop my host family’s roof looking down at my feet. This was my unanticipated God moment. This was when my life was radically changed and my heart was set ablaze.

My first thoughts were: “Sorry God, I have failed you. Decisions I have been making aren’t what You would want for me. Why is this so hard? I’ve believed in You my whole life and went to church even when I didn’t want to. Are you even listening to me? Why can I not be known as myself, instead of constantly being labeled by Your name, especially when it’s in an insulting way? Why can I not figure out what path You want me to go down and what You want me to be? Why do I still feel so empty and worthless?”

And I felt Him shake me and say: “Gosh, I’ve been yelling your name. Why aren’t you listening to ME? Why are you ashamed to be known as my daughter and labeled by my name? You keep telling yourself that you can’t admit to others your struggles and that you can’t find direction in life, because you don’t want to be labeled as a failure. So you kept walking your same path. FINALLY, you’ve finally admitted to me, your Father, the one who is NEVER disappointed in you, that you are lost in more ways than one. You’ve refused to walk through the door every time I’ve put the life path I have for you right in front of your face, but you’re about to walk through it because I’ve finally got you in this moment of surrender and you can’t ignore my call now. Aren’t you finding pure joy serving during your dentistry days in Peru? Joy can only be found in Me, and I’m trying to get you to see that My mission for your life is dentistry. This is how I want you to serve My kingdom, so go ahead and slap on your earthly label of ‘dentist.’ And why are you always running from Me? You know that only makes Me chase you faster and harder. Stop making all these decisions that you know I wouldn’t choose for you, and stop trying to find your worth in earthly things and earthly people. You know that only I hold your value—and you are far more precious than rubies or gold. Come to Me, My child, come closer. I’m re-igniting your flame. There is no shame in Me, the Lord. You are not a “Christian” girl…for Christianity is not a religion—it’s a state of being like Me (Christ). This is not a religion; this is a relationship…for you are My daughter… My daughters and sons are My most prized possessions. You have known My name and of My works your entire life, but you have not known Me as the person of Christ that I am, as I desire to be known.”

After a few minutes, I looked up at the vast mountains that encircled me in all directions. The scripture reading (Psalm 121:1–2) at the beginning of the song “Shoulders” had been stuck in my head for many preceding months, and in this moment it replayed again and immediately gave me chills: “I look up to the mountains. Does my strength come from the mountains? No; my strength comes from God. The one who made heaven and earth, and the mountains” (For King & Country). I realized…He created the earth upon which I am sitting. He created the heavens that provide eternal refuge and healing from the corruption we face in our current days. He created the mountains, upon which He has come to encounter many of His followers in the Bible (and I believe He is encountering me on one now), and of which can be moved with the faith of a mustard seed. And, among all of His creations, He delicately, lovingly created me, like a masterpiece from a ball of clay in His hands. Everything is His creation, for everything is His and should be labeled as so. Including me.

We serve a loving, never-forsaking, steadfast, faithful God. Once we realize all that He is, all that He has created us to be, and the loving relationship He has intended for us to be in, we can find peace, passion, purpose, our life’s path, and our true, shameless titles. In that moment I realized that I, a follower of Christ, shouldn’t be labeled by anything other than something that honors Him.That identity in Him is NEVER shameful, even when today’s society places shame on us.I began to love my labels and even add a few more to myself, based on the identity of who He truly is and who He says I am. Even more, I realized that through Him we are all held to an even higher standard than any society could ever hold a preacher’s family to. Despite stumbling blocks and a human’s sinful nature, I’m trying to challenge myself to that standard daily.

My new titles are: Disciple of Christ, Ransomed, Forgiven, Follower, Servant of the Kingdom, Vessel, Soldier, Daughter of the One True King, and Future Dentist. And I’m proud of them.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.

#42 Standing In The Place Of Light

by

Photo by Shining Light Photography

It was December of 2011 and I was a single mom with a high stress job and multiple chronic health issues. It was the week after Christmas and I was mentally and physically exhausted. I had a rare opportunity to be alone for the night at a cabin on the lake. No phones, no television, no Internet, no responsibilities. I wanted to be alone—alone with God. My life was not healthy. I was anxious and overwhelmed. Life was just too busy, too hard, too stressful. I knew that I needed a change but I didn’t know what or how. I needed God’s help.

I arrived in the afternoon and built a fire. I read parts of several books, including the Bible, and spent time praying for God’s guidance. At dusk, I went outside and stood by the lake near the dock. The sun had nearly set but there was a line of bleeding orange in the sky to the right of the dock. That was west; I took note of the location and went back inside.

The next morning I woke early as planned. It was still dark. I dressed warmly and left the comfort of the warm cabin for the promise of a sunrise over the lake. I walked down to the dock and stood near the railing to the left. I reasoned if the sun set to the right last night, then the sun would rise to the left, the east. I stood on the dock facing east for a long time, listening to the birds, and expectantly waiting for the first glimmer of light. I prayed that God would reveal His will for my life. I longed to feel God’s presence and hope. The water lapped against the shoreline and still I waited. There was no sign of daybreak. Silence. “I am looking for you, Lord,” I prayed.

I felt that if I could experience God’s glorious sunrise and be flooded with that first light, that somehow I would be reassured and feel hope. But there was no sign of the sun, only a light gray band under the dark gray sky. I thought perhaps the dawn would be this way—gray with no color, a black sky fading into a white sky. I began to lose hope. The wind had gotten colder coming off the water and I walked back to the cabin to start coffee. As the coffee perked, I stayed inside, my face pressed against the sliding glass door, still watching the sky. A bit of color appeared—a lavender ribbon separating the layers of light gray. And then much further to the east an orange light blazed through the shadows of the tree branches in the distance.

I knew the beauty would come and go quickly. My gaze was steadfast as the light became brighter, and the eastern sky filled with brilliant hues of pinks, purples, yellows, and orange. The lake began to glisten under the light, and then the most interesting thing happened. A solitary ray of light illuminated the inky water. It was a most distinct ray of light that began from the sunrise and traced a straight course across the lake to the very spot on the dock where I had stood nearly an hour ago, searching into the darkness for the sunrise and God.

I quickly walked down to the dock and stood in the place of light. The experience was so beautiful. It was as if God Himself were revealing His presence and glory to me. Though my question about how or what to change in my life had not been answered that day, one thing was sure: I had a renewed sense of hope and peace. I knew that God was with me and that He would show me the path for a healthier life. And He did.

A Million God Stories is a Christ-centered ministry which offers a platform for Christians from all streams of Christian faith to give praise for how God has worked in their lives. Christ heals in infinitely creative ways and we acknowledge that His way of helping may differ from person to person.